


Always Mine

by Sonny



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-08-27
Updated: 2004-08-27
Packaged: 2017-10-13 17:25:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 38,582
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/139809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sonny/pseuds/Sonny





	1. Chapter 1

"Would you mind telling me why we're here today?" Justin had to stand up on the tips of his shoes to murmur low into Ben's ear. Sharp blue eyes wandered about the landscaped area, made of cobblestone walkways and cemented paths directing patrons to the next section of forced animal captivity.

"Jenny's first *family* outing." Ben reached into his backside pocket to see how much cash he had.

"But why are WE here?" Justin had his hands in his sweater pockets as he brushed his elbow against Ben's forearm. "Things seem to be going fine, like clockwork, without us. Why do we even bother?"

"WE support our spo-..." Ben glanced down at his *ring* of symbolism, but realized Justin had no claim on Brian. "... significant others in their lives together."

Justin still wasn't convinced. "Why bring us along, at all, when they've been doing THIS, technically, since Jenny was born?" He spread his feet out in a stance of rigidity. "Do we like to put ourselves through this kind of torture? Do we care that what we say and what we truly feel are two very different things?"

"I was..." Ben squinted his eyes from being shoved out into the sunlight, unaware of the pristine brightness. They'd been in the shade too long. One of the perks of carrying a growing baby was to keep her out of direct sunlight.

Justin bit the inside of his cheek. "Curious? Like we always are to their relationship? Maybe slightly envious? Maybe jealous?" He made like he was going to turn around.

Ben stopped him, by wrapping his arm around Justin's wide shoulders. L.A. had done this young man some justice. Or maybe it was being away from Brian and The Pitts. "Don't look at them. It's rude."

The line moved, a smidgen.

Ben and Justin were standing side-by-side, in the concession stand line, set up between the bird cages and the trail that would lead them toward the primates.

"What about Mel and Linds? Haven't they...?"

Ben tucked the money in his hand as he continued to prevent Justin from looking at Brian, or Michael. How they would always look together, even in a crowded zoo on a sunny Saturday afternoon. "Splitsville."

"No shit!" Justin was a little taken back. Brian hadn't said a word once he'd left for L.A. Then, again, he was slowly finding out that Brian was leaving out a lot of pertinent information from his phone calls to the coast. "I guess being gone, these three months, would somehow put me out of the loop."

"I've been here and I'm not sure I'm in it either." Ben recounted his bills again, hoping he wouldn't come up short on cash.

Justin stared down at the graveled path. "Ben... I can spot you some, if you don't have enough." Trouble was that every trip back to Pittsburgh was another hard lesson for Justin to try to prove himself. That he was a changed man from the way he was only a few short months ago. He could live on his own if he wanted, but he didn't dare let go of what he had with Brian. It had taken him four years to get there. So, the more he tried to compare what he had here, in Pittsburgh, to what he was accumulating back in L.A. was becoming like two totally different worlds. "How long do we let ourselves suffer through this, huh? How much can one man take before he crumbles like a coward and gives in?"

"Funny, you should ask that... I've been thinking the same thing." Ben cleared his throat, his thumb unconsciously rubbing against his wedding band. "I may have Michael as a permanent person in my life. I may be his *husband* in the eyes of a few, but to one man in particular... I guess I'm just a means to an end. A way to distract Michael and keep him, as well."

Justin shook his head at how two different men could be feeling the same thing at the same time, on two different coasts. "Hard to believe that once you have all that you've wanted... it just doesn't seem like it's barely enough. Have we basically agreed to *settle* for what appears to us to be... happiness?"

Ben bit at his top lip, unsure how to answer. He leaned toward Justin's face. "They offered me another opportunity to go to Tibet."

"What? You're kidding?! That's fuckin' amazing! I bet you..." Justin only had to glance at Ben to notice there wasn't much pleasure found in the offer. "Life's different for you now. Things are changing, aren't they?"

"When I got the offer before... I didn't have Michael, Hunter or Jenny to worry about. Now... for whatever time I have here, I have them. How do I just walk away from that?"

"What does Michael say?"

"He doesn't know."

"Ben!? Do you think that's fair?"

"You're only the second person I've told."

Justin furrowed his brow. "Who was the first?" His arm came out to encircled Ben's trim waistline.

"If there was anyone I felt needed to know what I was going through, I knew I had to keep Hunter aware. If anything were to happen to me, I want to know that he'd be protected, and kept a level head, while I'm gone."

Justin nodded his head in understanding. "He's the one who understands better than Michael would, is what you're saying? Being *positive* doesn't allow you much room to compromise and bear the brunt of worry."

"There's one side of me who says... fuck it all. I need to survive for me. I need to become healthy and..." Ben's head shook in sadness. "But I've amassed this mini-family that's depending on me. As much as I dreaded bringing a baby into our lives, having to set aside my own frustrations of not being able to have my own children... Hunter and Jenny have become as precious to me as Michael has."

Justin more than understood this comment. "How does he do it, Ben?"

"Who? Do what?"

"Michael. If it were any other man who had a best friend like Brian Kinney, would you find yourself truly believing he could remain faithful to you?"

"I don't think it's his *faithfulness* to me holding me back from getting upset, like I should. I think it's more like... I had a love like Michael's once. I also know how vast Michael's heart is... and you have to think... he and Brian were *IT* for one another since they were fourteen. How can you knock something that powerful down... without feeling guilty? Like you're the one with the problem." Ben cleared his throat, shuffling forward with Justin under his arm. "Besides, Michael's warm dedication to Brian tells me something about his mettle that most men would find fault with. If he can be THAT loyal to Brian, act the way he does around him, but yet keep the right amount of distance to step outside and find his own life to lead...I find myself not worrying so much about the little things they do."

"But when is enough... enough? Don't we have a right to find EXACTLY what they have together? Or better yet, if we truly want either of them in our lives... don't we have the right to ask that we have them completely, exclusively... without one another to fall back on?"

"If you keep having to ask yourself that question, Justin... maybe it's time for you to get out and move on. One rule you need to remember, when having a relationship with Michael or Brian, is they come as a pair. Michael wouldn't be who he is without Brian, and vice versa. Taking them away from one another would be like killing them slowly. They've been each other's best friend, and conscious, for far too long to break it up." Ben suddenly realized what Justin must have been thinking about since he'd been out of Pittsburgh for quite awhile. "Is something wrong between you and Brian?"

"No. It's all the same. Except when I walked into the loft after he picked me up from the airport... I found a lot of my stuff placed in another area. Pretty much quarantined in one spot. Each drawer and section of closet space was replaced by Jenny's clothes and some of Michael's things." Justin shrugged feeling a bit embarrassed he made such a big deal out of little things he was slowly taking stock of. "Not that Brian's making me disappear from his life. I still have a place to stay, but..."

"You feel that your importance, in Brian's world, has somewhat dwindled?" Ben decided maybe he should let Brian off the hook, for once. "That... was a little of my doing. With my viral loads playing havoc every so often, I can't be around sick babies. There's no telling what kind of germs they have. They're prone to everything in the air. One night, Jenny was really sick, Mel was frantic... she called Michael. Michael called Brian and they all went to the hospital. When things were calm and settled... Mel was exhausted, so Michael took Jenny for the night. He knew he couldn't come back here, because of me. Brian offered the loft. Since then... Jenny's gotten sick a few more times and each time the same scenario goes down. Brian thought it would be easier to move some of Jenny and Michael's things into the loft... so those moments would become easier to handle."

Justin was awed by Brian's disregard for his old lifestyle. "I had no idea. He never says a word about stuff like that to me." He knew exactly why Brian hadn't mentioned anything to do with Michael, because Michael, nor Jenny, were none of his fuckin' business. It just didn't seem like the Kinney Mystique could hold up under the heavy weight of 2am baby feedings and diaper changes. "He still cares, I know he does. But he also doesn't want me to give up these opportunities for him." Justin had been harboring his own secret. "Brett's telling me the studio likes what we're doing with the movie."

"That's great!"

Justin rolled his eyes at knowing how *un*-great it truly was. "They offered me a permanent job. They even expressed an interest in creating a position for me in the studio itself, with their art department. I've already spotted this great condo close to the studio lot so I don't have to drive very far."

Ben removed his arm to glance down at Justin's face. He was slowly understanding what Justin was saying. "You found your *place*... and it looks like you're building your *nest*, so to speak. Now all you need is..."

"Brian. Do you think he'd come out to Cali for me?"

"Can Michael come, too?" Ben teased as he softly punched Justin in the chin. "You know that's what's gonna be foremost on Brian's mind. Even before Gus or his own happiness. Brian is going to want to know if he can come and go as he pleases. He'll need Michael as his safety net.

"Brian's always wanted to leave Pittsburgh. I'd think he'd jump at the opportunity to come play in the ocean, instead of this wading pool. Kinnetik doesn't have to remain on one coast."

"Justin, Brian's just beginning to take flight with his business. He'd be stupid to walk away and try to build something without the main headquarters being supervised correctly, the way he wants it to be. You know that."

"I do." Justin bowed his head in shame. He had such dreams about he and Brian's future that went beyond this dreary little `burgh. There was a new and wonderful life out in California just waiting to be taken for them both.

"And, I think, you also know... and would like to forget, that the more you wait... the older Brian and Michael get. And the more they build their own *nests*, growing more comfortable with one another. Their dreams and wishes, from long ago, start to blend into each other's lives. Jenny is Michael's hope for the future, as is Gus for Brian. Michael isn't going to want to miss a second of that. And Brian... well, his business being re-built, right in the heart of his least favorite hometown, and Gus growing up and learning about having a father in his life... makes Brian become more determined than ever to change the legacy of his own parents. Michael and Brian thought they had to leave home in order to find their deepest wishes and desires fulfilled, when all they had to do was... be patient."

"I think I've been patient enough."

"Then I guess you know what you have to do." Ben cupped Justin's shoulder, shaking him slightly.

Justin squinted up at Ben as they moved further into the line. "You've been thinking of doing the same, haven't you?"

"Hunter's not the easiest person to keep quiet. I'm sure he'd tell Michael in a heartbeat if he didn't feel comfortable with the way things were going for us, as a family."

"How do you know Hunter hasn't already said something?"

"I don't. I just have to pick my butt off the ground and find some balls to finally discuss this with Michael."

"When?" Justin wanted to know so he could find a similar moment to ask Brian his own question.

"The next time Michael and I are, truly, alone."

"And that would be...?"

"Hopefully sometime soon. They need my answer on Tibet by the end of the month."

"So what do we do in the meantime?"

"What we've always done. Smile beyond the pain."

Ben and Justin chose that moment to both look over at the men they had been discussing. And they did exactly what they said they'd do.

With their hearts aching, hurting, and their breaths lost... they smiled at the perfect picture of beauty the two best friends made with the little dark haired angel situated between them.

Then they turned back to venture forward, a few more paces in line. Both lost in their own heads on how to deal with their separate worries.

********************************************************

Jenny was strapped to Michael's back with the baby backpack Melanie had given him to carry their daughter in. Her pink floppy fisherman hat shielded her warm brown eyes from direct sunlight, but she still squinted from the rays illuminating around her. Her flushed cheek lay propped on the nape of Michael's neck.

Michael was leaning over the metal guard rail, making *chirping* noises and throwing seeds in the general direction of the flocks so Jenny could watch the birds in flight. She liked their flamboyant colors, especially the parrots when they mimicked whatever Brian told them.

"Mikey?" Brian was relaxed, on his side, watching Michael and Jenny interact. Two hyper kids in full enjoyment of one another. "I think you've tuckered her out." His hand came up to smooth against Jenny's chubby cheeks. He felt compelled to buss them. Instead, he chose to soothe her pale skin from the slight sheen of moisture. His finger traipsed across a row of miniature eyelashes and up over a darkly colored, arched brow. The sweaty curls hidden beneath the hat were swiped away from her forehead to give her some relief.

Brian kept his arm up on Michael's shoulder, finding a reason to trail his fingers into Michael's hair, lightly, and stretch along the back of his neck, wiping away beads of collecting perspiration.

Jenny's eyes closed in the sweet solace of her Daddy's nearness. Her mini-fist went to fit inside her toothless mouth to suckle in slumber.

Michael's head averted toward his back. "Thank God I've got you to spot me. I don't like this backpack as much as that papoose-y thing you bought me. I don't like not being able to see her."

Brian instinctively moved to unbuckle Michael out of the contraption, keeping Jenny steady as they worked to free her limber father. "Do you want me to wear it? You can watch her on my back."

Michael hovered around Jenny as she slumped back and forth, in and out of deep sleep. He continued to rub her cheeks with his index finger. "Are you sure you should be lifting her after your last radiation treatment? I know you probably feel strong, but you might grow weak any minute."

Brian hefted the backpack behind him, fitting his arms through the steel trappings, simply staring at Michael as he *mother-henned* both he and Jenny. He looked so cute, completely and utterly... kissable. He silenced his best friend with a light peck on the lips, savoring the sugary taste from the cotton candy and lemonade. He pulled away to continued buckling himself in.

Michael reacted as if it was normal, common place, for him to be kissed senseless by someone other than his husband. Thank God Ben and Justin weren't watching. He went on to converse, like usual. "In fact... let me ask how you are doing in all this sunlight?" Chemo drugs and radiation tended to make even the strongest recovering cancer patient vulnerable and sensitive to sunlight. The back of his hand moved up to scrape across Brian's stubble. "You do feel a little warm." He was noticing the sheen of sweat tracing the edge of Brian's haircut.

The last buckle, around Brian's waist was being attached. "I always get flushed after kissing you, Michael."

"You do?" Michael's hand fell to Brian's chest, helping him work the straps and plastic joints.

Brian dipped to the right and left to fix the shoulder guards. He twisted to let Michael have a look-see of his daughter. "How's she doing?"

"Still asleep."

"Lucky kid." Brian dug out the map of the zoo's layout. He glanced up to decipher the streets they were on. "We need to get her out of the sun, Mikey." He was startled, a bit, by Michael drawing close to his side. The simple manner in which the dark head went to easily lay on his biceps to look over the map with him. Michael was, literally, attaching his body around his own. Though the warmth was uncomfortable, because of the heat outdoors, Brian craved Michael in small ways like this. His arm went about Michael's shoulder to tuck him further under. "I don't think we're too far from the Penguin & Friends Paradise. It'll be cooler and the natural chill from the ice won't be so startling with the air conditioning."

Michael looped his hand through Brian's elbow, holding onto him, but knowing that he was mostly making sure Brian wasn't going to keel over from heat exhaustion. "How do they know?"

"Know what?"

"That the place is paradise for penguins."

"Who says it has to be? They didn't put the word out in all major ice areas for auditions of penguins. Some were forced to live here and breed the rest. Not much choice in that, is there?"

Michael mumbled solemnly. "No." Another bubble bursting by Brian Kinney's handy hints of mother nature.

Brian now knew Michael was worried about the *happiness* of the penguins. The same way he was with the lions, the elephants and the monkey cages. "Who knew the zoo could be so fuckin' depressing, huh?" He fixed their joined arms to hold Michael's hand in his. He felt the fingers tighten in thankfulness and understanding. "If I'm not mistaken... there's a place to sit and eat there, too."

Michael chose to pay attention to Jenny instead of the animals they had come to see. Thank God she was oblivious and asleep.

They walked back in the direction they had come, forgetting that Ben and Justin were in line getting drinks and snacks for them.

That was happening much too often of late, but neither man seemed to care. Their concern was only for the young baby in their midst.

*******************************************************************

Ben and Justin were carrying a shitload of things in their arms. They turned to find Brian and Michael no longer standing where they had left them.

"Yo!" Hunter cupped his hands over his mouth to call out to the two lost and wandering souls. They were pussy whipped beyond belief. He took his seat on the bench, next to Gus who was munching on a pretzel and Coke. He found an empty table with a nice umbrella awning overhead. He leaned down to say something in Gus' ear, which caused the young boy to crack up laughing.

Ben took the bench across from Hunter, knowing he was already on slippery ground with his adopted son. "Something tells me you know some information that we don't." He fit his legs over the bench and under the table and sat.

Justin followed suit, taking the same bench.

The two trays were littered with cold drinks and hot dogs and snacks. Gus' eyes grew wide as he quickly devoured his pretzel.

Hunter rubbed his fingers in one hand. "It'll cost you."

"I already gave you twenty for the week." Ben put up his hands in his defense. "Plus all this cost me, nearly, fifteen bucks." His hand circled the two trays.

Hunter's jaw dropped and his eyes stared in disbelief. "I didn't ask for any of that." He gestured to the two trays. "Don't either of you old geezers know what it takes to be a teenager these days? It's freakin' expensive to maintain *cool dude* status."

Gus stood up to reach across, grabbing for a hot dog and another Coke.

Hunter put a hand on Gus' forearm. "Whoa! Enough, little dude! That's like three Cokes in a row. Not to mention you've had a belly full of candy before eatin' nutritious stuff like this."

It warmed Ben's heart to see Hunter befriend Gus so easily. But it nearly drove him nutty to learn yet *another* person in his life had fallen under the Kinney charm.

Justin took a sip of his bottled water. "So... where did they go?" He wasn't even going to bother looking around. Brian and Michael had obviously snuck away, under the wire.

"They had to get Jenny out of the sun." Hunter didn't speak any further on the subject, semi-protective. Brian, Michael nor Jenny were in any eminent danger. Plus, he liked letting Ben fester for a few minutes before telling him the truth.

"Does this mean you're talking to me again?" Ben inquired as he stared Hunter down, squinting from the sunlight seeping through.

Hunter looked down at Gus, who was digging deeply into the food he'd taken. "Say, man, why don't you take Justin to find your Dad and Michael."

A mouth full of hot dog bun, Gus arched his dark brown brow as if asking Hunter was he sure he wanted to be left alone with Ben.

"I'll be fine. I need some alone time with Ben. Tell the guys we'll meet up with them or something. Don't go too far. If you get lost, come back."

Gus nodded his head, took a sip of his soda. He gave Ben a small wave as he got up from the table to walk over to Justin. He waited for the young man to follow him. People thought it was strange that Gus didn't speak much, but he just, simply, didn't think he had much to say. When he saw it was needed, he spoke up. Justin wasn't exactly his favorite person. He didn't dislike him, though. He actually found Michael a lot more interesting, personality wise. Plus, Gus didn't think Justin cared too much for him.

Feeling was mutual.

Justin didn't know if he could handle the *silent* treatment from Gus. It was odd, since he enjoyed the boy as a baby. With the kid growing up, maturing, able to make his own opinions and pick his dislikes... Justin found himself, purposefully, left out of the young boy's life. That was okay with him, because Gus had no business getting in between he and Brian's relationship.

Justin trailed behind Gus, who led the way, as he carried the drinks Brian and Michael had asked for. One small juice bottle for Jenny in his pocket, which he tossed over for Gus to carry.

Hunter waited until they were far enough away for him to say something. "I think you're being a total idiot, Ben."

"Please... don't be so shy around me, pal." Ben bit back in sarcasm.

Hunter was growing to hate that *nickname*. It used to ring as an endearment, but, lately, Ben often used it to drive home a point. Like putting them on different levels as parent and child. "I'm just saying... you need to be honest with Michael. And you need to do it tonight."

Ben saw that there was something shining in Hunter's eyes that spoke of another happening that might be developing between Brian and Michael that no one knew about except those who truly cared, and paid attention to. "What are you NOT telling me now? Has Michael said something to you?"

"Whoa! Calm down, dude! It's just me! I can't believe you can live in that apartment and NOT see it. You're letting it happen. You thought by marrying Michael you'd *win over* some part of him. Like you got one on Brian, but... I'm here to tell you... you've managed to put the wheels in motion, genius."

Ben rubbed a hand over his slightly perspiring face. "I wish you would just come out and say what you mean."

"You want the truth. Here it is... Michael loves Brian, Michael loves Jenny, Michael loves Gus... Brian loves Michael, Brian loves Jenny, Brian loves Gus. Without us... you, me and the Blond Boy in the picture... we have the nice makings of a decent family, if you ask me."

"Michael loves you, too, Hunter."

Hunter crossed his arms over the table surface. "I know, but if anything... I thought you wanted to be my father more than Michael did. Though you've kept your safe distance."

"It also helped for you and Michael when he ran away with you."

Hunter shook his head, saddened. "You still can't get over that can you? That Michael actually took me away? He saved my life, Ben. I owe him a lot for that."

"I know, but he made himself a new, unwavering position in your life... that I will never be able to get back."

"Do you hate him for that? Becoming the actual *superhero* he's often fantasied about?"

"That's ridiculous."

"Is it? I can't help but feel you'd have no trouble running off to Tibet if you didn't have so many obligations here. Me, especially. Like it'd be easier to leave Michael if it were just he and Jenny." Hunter noticed Ben look down, unable to speak in response. "You know... I was on my own before you and Michael came into my life. If I could do it before, I can do it again."

"Michael wouldn't allow that." Ben shook his head as he rubbed his sweaty palms on his jeans.

"What about you, Ben?"

Ben shrugged, feeling odd that he was being truthful, on the spur of the moment. "I don't know. It gets harder every time I leave my doctor's office to fathom that I actually can have a future."

"The more you build up your life, the more people you'll disappoint, right? See... you're no different than Brian, in that aspect." Hunter crooked his arm on the table, leaning his chin on his hand, staring at Ben. He knew how much his little quirks annoyed Ben, he enjoyed them. "You thinking that you should've left when they offered this to you the first time. aren't you?"

Ben thought about his answer, letting out a long breath. "I never thought this part of my life was possible. Marriage... children."

"I think if you came to Michael, with your head screwed on right, he'd react different than you think. He knows his time is limited with you... and I. He knows how much Tibet means to you. I'm sure he'd understand better than you think." Hunter watched Ben nodded his head, but was also aware of how much he couldn't meet his eyes across the table. "You think being away will allow Brian his chance to work his way into your *niche*, don't you? Without you here... you'd give them a reason to *hook-up*."

"I don't think that... I *know* that."

"Good, then you're not as stupid as I thought. Because, you have to know it doesn't matter if you're here or not... it's happening."

"I know that, too."

"Jenny was IT, man. I think she was to blame." Hunter let a small smile slip out, hoping to cheer Ben up.

Shit! This was so depressing!!

Ben did, in fact, laugh. "Yeah... use the baby as a scapegoat. Like that *bond* didn't exist way before her time."

"You can't fault them for helping each other through the tough times. I wish I had a best friend like that. Well, without all the kissy-face, mushy stuff."

"I don't think it helped that Michael and I married, either."

"You serious?"

"It's motivated Brian, somehow."

"Like he never even thought Michael wanted shit like that or something?"

"I think Brian thought he'd be *Peter Pan* forever... and Michael would be his *Wendy*."

"Wendy had to grow up some day, right? Marry and have kids of her own? Did you ever see Spielberg's version? Peter ended up married to Wendy, but forgot how to be Peter. She managed to tame the *wayward imp* in him." Hunter shook his head, liking that analogy. "That's a cool interpretation, though. So... who are you? Captain Hook?"

Ben chuckled despite his breaking heart. He knew what he had to do. He watched Hunter get up and come around the table, sitting in the opposite direction, by his side.

"So... you gonna tell him?"

"I think so."

"Good. Because I just wanted you to realize, I'm not the best person to tell secrets like that to. Especially since I like Michael so much." Hunter reached out to cup Ben's shoulder, rubbing the muscle in a soothing manner. "Thank you for sharing it with me first, dude. It's allowed me to understand where you're coming from. And opened my eyes to the possibility that you like me... and what it feels like to be a part of a family."

"Correction... *love* you. Which I do, even when I`m pissed at you." Ben sent a hand to cup the back of Hunter's head and pull him into his arms. "You'll always be a part of my family, no matter how far apart we are." He set himself back to look down at Hunter's face. "No matter what happens with Michael and I... you will always be *our* son. Got that?"

Hunter couldn't come up with a smart-ass remark to respond. He just wiped his eyes and nodded his head slowly. He stood to wait for Ben to get up so they could follow behind Justin and Gus to where Brian and Michael had taken Jenny.

 **~~TBC...**   



	2. Chapter 2

**:::::::** ** FLASHBACK  ** **\- A few days prior to Jenny's zoo trip::::::::::**

The soft slide of the metal door opened to admit a pair of twin, all too familiar, chocolate orbs gazing up at Brian as he leaned against the cold slab in exhaustion. The smaller of the two was blotchy and sniffling quiet sobs from having cried for hours on end, due to an unannounced sickness. The second one, carrying the first, was nearly close to ending up in tears himself.

"I know I should've called. I don't mean to disturb..." Michael never got out the full sentence as he was dragged inside the warm loft, by the scruff of his neck.

Brian sighed heavily, slamming the door shut. "Shut up, Mikey." He flicked his head in the direction Michael should follow. "Get the fuck in here."

There was a powder blue, cotton baby bag slung over Michael's chest, from his left shoulder. Jenny was cuddled on his right, buried in the crevice of his neck and lightweight jacket collar. He wandered in ready to send out a thousand apologies through his lips, if he could stop bawling along with his baby daughter. He knew Brian wouldn't take anything. "This seems to be becoming a habit." He wiped at his watery eyes. He tried to laugh, but it came out in huffs. He felt ashamed he couldn't take care of Jenny on his own, especially when he couldn't share in these times with Ben, when they could bond the most.

"Michael... give her to me." Brian moved to take Jenny out of Michael's loosening arms. He pressed his cool lips to her flaming cheeks, feeling the moisture from a slight sheen of sweat. He gave her flushed skin a series of kisses in a row. He made soft sounds against her cheek, without Michael even aware.

Jenny snorted at the adoring attention and burrowed her heated face in Brian's exposed neck to fall asleep. His gentle rocking motion, as he walked, helped soothe her into an easier slumber.

Michael was standing in the middle of the loft, unsure of where to go or what to do. He was completely drained and void of any feeling except desiring sleep. He glanced down at his watch. "Almost time for her medicine. And, I think, her bottle." He went to maneuver himself out of the baby bag strap, nearly losing all the contents inside as it slipped out of his grip.

Brian was by his side, able to help catch it from falling on the floor. "Michael..." He wanted to reprimand his best friend for even trying to make a trip to the loft when he was dead tired, but Michael was old enough to know what was best for him. Plus, Brian hadn't seen Jenny in a few days, nor Michael. The visit, though unplanned, was two fold.

"Whoa!" Michael forced out a laugh, clearly showing how exhausted he was. "Good save!"

Both he and Brian set down the bag on the floor, safely.

Michael began to peel off his jacket, an arm at a time, while toeing off his shoes. He wanted to get comfortable in the warmth of the loft. Plus it wouldn't be cool to fall asleep fully clothed.

Brian tried to hold back a chuckle, watching Michael's turtle-like body movements. He hid his face behind Jenny's baby blanket secured about her body. "Mikey, how much sleep have you actually had?" He strolled behind Michael, helping him off with his jacket, making sure to rub his palms over Michael's bare arms. He loved the feel of Michael's naked skin under his. It always came alive at his touch, even when he was halfway to La-La land.

"I don' `no'." Michael jumbled all the words together. "Two hours... here-n-there... I think."

Brian blew out his next breath through his nostrils. Melanie raged her ugly head again, begging "pwetty, pwetty please" so that Michael would help her out. And Michael, sperm donor and sucker that he always was, fell for it. Didn't matter that he had a teenager at home, a husband to cater to and a full time job running his own business. He wished Michael wasn't easy to cajole like that, but it gave Brian time he would never have with Jenny if the lesbians had stayed together.

Brian reached down to pick up the bag from the floor, with Michael's jacket in his hand. "Get in bed." He pointed in the direction Michael was most familiar with. He walked Jenny into the kitchen, setting the bag on the counter. He dug around inside to search for the antibiotic medicine in the dropper format and was on the lookout for the already prepared bottle Melanie had probably packed. She was always a little "no fuss, no muss" with Michael's first bout with fatherhood.

Drowsy, Michael smiled with glee. "Ahhhh... if only THOSE words were the ones that would be music to my ears." His eyes closed in deep bliss... or deep sleep. No one could tell.

Brian sure couldn't tell, because Michael's smile always remained the same. "Where's her car seat, Michael?" They sometimes used the extra seating to place Jenny wherever they needed her, since she had no balance yet, little more than a baby weeble-wobble. He set her baby blanket down on the marbled counter, then proceeded to unglue her tight grip of his body to place her on her back. She squirmed in frustration, hating the loss of bodily warmth and the cool slab of the kitchen counter. Brian tried to tame her, giving her his hand to play with and suckle on as he one-handed every movement in preparation to give her the medicine and the bottle.

"Did we buy one?" Michael crossed his arms over his chest, reaching for the hem of his t-shirt. " `Cause I sure don't have a car one fits in." He was speaking from underneath the shirt as he tried to pull it over his head to throw it in the air, away from his weakening body. He faltered on his feet. "Ooo... I'm a little woozy." He giggled, turned on his socked feet and decided to take his strip tease on tour, toward the bedroom. He knew the way in the darkness he'd created.

"Michael... how the hell did you get here, if not by Mel's car?" Brian made faces at the droopy warm brown eye gazing up at him in wonder, trying to distract Jenny from ever crying again. She looked just as exhausted as her father.

Michael was leaving a trail of clothes in his wake, finally yanking off the T-shirt. His raven hair spiked about his head. "I rode the bus... or took a taxi..." He pouted, feeling like he was about to interrogated. "I don' `no', Brian... it was so long ago."

Through the slats into his bedroom, Brian could see Michael in shadow, undressing. The pale skin glowing in the moonlight of night falling on Pittsburgh. No light illuminated Brian's bedroom, only the ones flowing through the floor-to-ceiling windows. Michael had just bent his head to concentrate on reaching for his zipper. Brian hoped for a gratuitous underwear clad butt shot, except nothing happened. He frowned down at Jenny, who released a tiny smirk. He was unsure if it was gas or an unpleasant face for her medicine from the dropper. It smelled fruity. She wouldn't take the last squeeze from the bottom, so he shrugged and sucked the last drop out. Mmmm... strawberry flavored. Pretty tasty. His recreational drugs never tasted this flavorful, nor were his chemo drugs this satisfying. He looked deep in the bag, in search of the mini-bottle. Once he found it, buried under a ton of diapers, which made Brian look forward to the rest of the night, into morning. The last antibiotic had been a freakin' nightmare.

Brian put away the medicine, washed his hands and turned to use the microwave for only a few seconds to warm up the bottle. Jenny made quiet mumbled noises, softly clapping her hands together. He wiped his hands on the back of his jeans, walking over to stare down at Jenny, wondering if, by some miracle, she'd actually say something coherent to him. He raised a curious eyebrow to her silly grins. She was too much like her father. He ached from the simple joy.

Speaking of her father, Brian hadn't heard another sound from his bedroom. He took a random peek.

Michael wasn't moving. Simply standing at the foot of the bed, staring down at his hands.

The microwave dinged. Brian tested the microwave safe plastic on his own skin to see if the temperature was tolerable. Once he was set, he handed Jenny the promised bottle she'd been spotting for a few minutes. He picked her up in his arms, feeling her droop her head back onto his shoulder to settle into a snooze, while slurping away on the artificial nipple. He had a little present for her in his bedroom. He was more excited about showing it off to her than Michael.

Brian decided to check on Michael's progress, himself, and strolled into the bedroom. "Michael, is everything okay?"

"Yeah." Michael's voice sounded small.

"Need some help?" **Please?!** Brian stepped closer still.

Michael had this knack for giving off an aura of heat when he was about ready to crawl into bed. Maybe because he was so tired his body just decided to churn up the fires within, but it was an addictive trait Brian loved being a part of. Kept him warm many nights when they were growing up.

Jenny was weakening in Brian's arms, her soft snores of contentedness blown onto his neck.

Michael lifted his head, his eyes shut in agony, wanting desperately to shut his eyes forever. "I forgot my underwear."

"Commando? Michael, I'm touched." Brian sent a wayward hand over Michael's back, sculpting the finite muscles and the flushed skin. He stood directly behind Michael, wondering if he was going to ask for help, or... a hand. Hearing Michael's hushed breathing made the bedroom feel more intimate than ever. He leaned against his arched spine, he bent his lips to touch them against the naked flesh.

If only things had been different. If only Michael had said something more, told him that marriage was always what he had hoped for himself... if only he had waited a little longer. The *if only*'s that plagued Brian, when he was alone, haunted him. The heartaches infiltrating his body made him slink an arm around Michael's front to draw him backwards, help hold him upright. Also to promise, very quietly, to never let him go... without a fight.

"In all my haste to get Jenny out of the house... I dressed as quick as I could." Michael's head circled the room, as if viewing it for the first time. There was something different about the place. "And I came right over here. Jenny's running a high fever again. They got her on a new anti-biotic for the..." He still couldn't get it out of his head that the room had changed on him. "Brian?"

Pressing a gentle kiss to Michael's prominent neck vein, Brian rocked Jenny in his arms a bit longer, treasuring her closeness and her ease at accepting him as a part of her newborn life. "Yeah?" He moved to take a seat on his bed, keeping a hand to Jenny's back as he leaned back to gaze up at Michael.

"You bought something new for your bedroom."

"No... not exactly." Brian tried hard to disguise his need to smile, giddily.

Michael couldn't stand it any longer he wandered over to turn on a lamp. "Brian... what are you doing with a crib in your bedroom?" He walked over to it, caressing the dark blond pine structure. It looked like an heirloom. The closer he got, the more he saw what was inside the crib. The pastel fleece blankets, the massive array of tiny stuffed animals and the way the crib looked as if it had been waiting just for one particular baby in mind. Michael had to stand on tip toes to reach inside and touch the delicate items in awe.

Brian shrugged in nonchalance. "It was just sitting in storage collecting dust. Joan wishes you the best in your new found fatherhood."

"You went to your mother... for me?" Michael swiveled on his socked feet, wearily sagging against the sturdy wood base.

Brian cleared his throat, trying to reorganize Jenny in his arms. He didn't dare glance in Michael's direction or he'd see the pride glowing in his chocolate eyes. It hadn't been easy to get it from Joan, but well worth the price. "For Jenny, mostly. I hate not having things here for her when you come over. I thought I still had Gus' stuff, but I guess I must have..." He never knew that Michael had left the corner that the crib was in. All that happened was the sinking of the mattress as Michael crawled on his knees over to squat behind him, then those achingly perceptive arms enveloped him.

Michael's body seemed to encapsulate Brian's entire form toward his locking embrace.

Their hands met on Jenny's back, fingers entwined.

Michael bent down to press kisses on Brian's neck, collar bone and up his jaw to his cheek and temple. "Thank you." He tenderly whispered into the brown locks. "You do enough as it is, there was no need to put yourself through her repetitive religious tirades and crap." He kept his face buried, breathing in Brian's scent. "You're a good liar, though."

"About what?" Brian let a tiny grin slip out, clearing his throat.

"I don't know how you do it. You're more tired than I am, yet you're recovery time is stellar." Michael dragged Brian with him as he moved to sit against the head of the bed, along the wall. He piled plenty of pillows behind him. He situated his body to cradle Brian on his chest, his arms surrounding his best friend in a familiar pose. He combed Brian's hair back from his forehead. "If I recall... you've had a doctor's appointment in the last two days or so. How did that go?" He squeezed Brian in between his thighs, wanting to sink deeply into the secluded warmth he craved.

If nobody, but Michael, showed Brian how much he was loved, needed in this world, he would be able to fall asleep at night. He never wanted to be left out of Brian's cancer treatments again. He wanted to know anything, and everything, Brian would dare, or care, to reveal to him. The very thought of Brian making himself suffer through this alone at the very beginning of this crisis, still made his heart break.

"Clean bill of health, like usual." Brian settled into the waiting arms, cuddling close enough not to disturb Jenny's sleep.

"Nothing but the best for Brian Kinney, huh?" Michael breathed in Brian's musky scent from a recent shower. "You were trying to sleep when I arrived weren't you?"

"I'm on some new chemo meds." Brian shrugged, his fingers brushing through Jenny's ebony curls as she rested on his chest, falling deeper into slumber. "Trying out a new regimen. Makes me a little listless." Even in sleep her lips were still puckering about the plastic nipple.

"Then... go to sleep." Michael spread his legs wider for Brian to slip into, wanting to place Jenny securely between them.

"We should let Jenny test out her new bed. Can't spoil her, at this early age, with sleeping with us." Brian hated crawling out of Michael's arms to head toward the crib. He worked the mechanisms to lower one side. He detached her little fists from around him, placing her on her back, raising the blankets over her fidgeting body.

Someone else hated losing extra body heat. Jenny sniffed out a disgust in being left to her own inside the tiny cubby area. She was too tired to care how long they'd leave her be and the heated bottle tasted delicious.

Brian rubbed Jenny's pudgy belly, making sure she got off to slumber after disturbing her a bit to lay her down gently. He tried to make quick work of undressing himself, once he noticed Michael's eyes shut and, possibly, asleep himself. He turned down the lamp, lifting up the bed linen to tuck his chilled body back into some even temperature. He didn't want to assume he could just impose on Michael, by crawling back into his arms, laying on his stomach.

Michael would have to initiate the merging. As Brian was allowing every step between them after the Novotny-Bruckner nuptials.

Turning on his right side, Brian only had to wait for a few seconds before the mattress was jostled enough to wake up Michael. For him to realize the bedroom was in darkness again. And for him to make his way over to spoon at Brian's arched back.

Brian felt the rough jean material rub against his naked skin, learning that Michael was playing it safe by not fully undressing. But he couldn't help notice the slight bulge that brushed his backside. It did his aching heart good to feel it's usual appearance in times like these.

Arms wandered under Brian's armpits to meet at his front, he wrapped his own arms around Michael's to hold him securely to his body. "What's going on with Mel? What drove you out of the house?"

Michael rested his head in the crook of Brian's neck, laying his temple on the soft mahogany locks. "She and Lindsay are having a `dinner meeting' to discuss their strategy for their divorce. They're trying to do this without a lawyer... forgetting that Mel is one, of course."

Brian caressed Michael's dark hair on his forearm. "Think they'll make it?"

"Do I think they'll actually go through with it, you mean?"

Brian shrugged, staring off toward his open closet. He'd installed a lower pole in his usual sparse closet to hang some outfits for Jenny. He had even made room for a tiny dresser for Jenny's other personal items. Michael had eyes only for the crib. He'd wait until morning for Michael to get the *full effect* of what Brian had been busy doing in the last few days. "What does it mean for us... if the lesbians can't hack it?"

"I don't know about Ben, but I'm in this marriage for the long haul. Nothing and no one can dislodge me. I don't stumble into things like this without realizing their importance. I'm gonna make this work if I have to die trying."

"Survival of the fittest, Mikey?" Brian closed his eyes in silent agony, his hands stopped touching Michael. He had to come to grips with the choices he had made, the choices that Michael had made. This was how he and Michael would always be with one another. That had to be enough for him... right? "How is the fair Professor doing these days?"

"I don't know. You'll have to ask him." Michael didn't say one more word.

Brian knew something was on Michael's mind, from the way he breathed against his ear lobe. "Is something wrong?"

"There's something Ben's afraid to tell me."

"Think it's health related." Brian picked up his hand, caressing the ivory skin again to soothe Michael's worry.

"I don't think so, but I'm sure it's connected somehow. With Jenny being sick and dealing with Hunter's problems... I haven't really had time to take him aside and ask him."

"Leave her to me, Michael. I'll even watch Hunter if you need me to. Just tell me when."

Michael squeezed Brian close. "Thanks for the offer, but Jenny's got plenty of other babysitters lined up... and Hunter, well, it's just not cool to send him to one. He's got a rep to protect, you know."

Brian rolled his eyes. "What happened to MY reputation. I'm a cool guy to *hang out* with. You need the space, Michael. Ben wants to talk to you about something. I'm sure he's feeling the same awkwardness you are. Let me help you out, once-n-awhile, since I'm available. Bring them to the office, when you want the night free for you and hubby."

"What about Justin?"

"What ABOUT Justin?"

"I asked first."

"And I'm telling you... he doesn't matter in the scheme of things, Mikey."

"Brian... that's way more responsibility than you deserve. I'm sure I could..."

Brian flipped over to face Michael, tucking a hand under his left cheek. His hazel gaze deeply intent on Michael's eyes. "Let me worry about what I can, or can't, handle. I wouldn't have told you if I didn't think I could do it. I may have cancer, but I'm not dying... or dead... yet." He closed his lids when Michael's hands reached out to cup his cheek, the thumb pad rubbing the stubble there.

"Don't talk like that." Michael burrowed, hiding his head in the pillows plushness. "You'll be here right along with me as I'm slowly letting go of my last breath. YOU made me promise." He shuffled their heads closer, so their noses almost touched.

"You go, I go?" Brian watched the dark, curly lashes fall to the pale cheeks. He wanted to kiss every strand.

"Well... yeah... Isn't that what we've always talked about?"

"I thought it was us agreeing to not let the other suffer. 'Pull the *plug*', so to speak." Brian's hot breath blew across Michael's face. He was in dire need of a kiss, just a touch of Michael's lips. He could fall asleep with their taste on his own, lofting in pure bliss.

Michael's was quietly dozing off, serene in the essence of Brian's nearness. He sought the body warmth he was familiar with, entangling his legs with Brian's bare ones.

Ben, nor Justin, would never understand this need they had to be closer than normal best friends.

In odd ways it grounded them and made them stronger in their own lives apart from one another.

Knowing Brian would always be there for him, gave Michael the power to achieve the highest goals possible. Even if it meant seeking what he desired most with another man. As long as he could still be with Brian in this way.

Having Michael love him beyond all realm of thought made Brian believe in his self worth, believe in the impossible. Maybe to even believe in the things once thought out of reach of gay men, and women, for years.

Justin was in L.A. Out of the picture so his interest in their relationship had no substance.

And what Ben didn't know, wouldn't hurt him.

Brian wasn't Ben's business unless they made it his to care about. Michael was normally mum about things of that nature that dealt with his marriage and personal life with Ben.

Michael had once desired his boyfriend and best friend to get along, but had decided to forgo the worry since it never really became that much of a problem, like it had with David. Ben understood the need to have Brian in his life, allowing many private moments to happen without a need to know every minute detail.  
Ben and Brian had a strange relationship of remembrance. Ben had been *with* both best friends and hadn't even bothered to compare the two. Maybe, in a very strange way, he knew how perfect they were for one another, but couldn't divulge the secret. The power was in finding this fact out for themselves.

Brian had to give Ben credit. He knew how to love Michael and treat him right, in some ways. He heard tiny rumors of some discourse but nothing too drastic that would split them apart... or had he missed out on something while he'd been recovering from his surgery and his first rounds of chemo? In some instances, Michael refused to let him in. He hated that. "Mikey...?" He opened his eyes to stare at Michael's face.

Michael yawned and cuddled closer. "Uh-huh?" He wasn't too far from complete rest in dreamland.

"Can I have a kiss goodnight?" Brian lightly chuckled at Michael's slow nod in agreement and let the grin widen as Michael put out his puckered lips. His hands escaped their hidden depths and captured Michael's head in his palms. He knew this was as good a time as any to ask Michael all the best questions to take advantage of him. "Can I have you... always?"

Michael's head nodded again as his hands moved about to sculpt Brian's sinewy body, settling at the slope of his lower back. "Mmm-hmmm"

"Jenny, too?" Brian set his lips a millimeter away from Michael's.

Michael sighed out his reply, kissing Brian's nose tip. "Whatever you want, Brian?" The hands locked over Brian's backside, patting the firm globes of underwear-clad flesh and muscles.

Gradually closing his eyes, Brian leaned in, locking his mouth onto Michael's, taking of him what he wanted most of all... his very soul, diving in and losing himself in his core.

Michael responded in his hazy, delusional state, sinking into his most favorite place to lose himself in, without the world hindering his pleasure.

Meshing foreheads, and connecting with Michael in those astounding close, but non-sexual ways only they could appreciate, Brian murmured the three words Michael had waited years to hear. He continued to whisper them against Michael's mouth, his voice never rising above a barely audible level.

They sounded very nice coming out of him, he didn't screw up one word... but he was finding himself growing more comfortable at saying them... all in a row... They flowed well off his expert tongue.

Maybe one day... Brian would find the nerve to say them a little louder, when Michael was actually awake to hear them.  
 **  
::::::::::::** **FLASHBACK END** **::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::**  
 **Present Time :**

"He said what? When?" Ben stood at the stove with a wooden spoon in his hand.

Michael was moving back and forth, setting the table for their romantic dinner for two. "Brian was the one who offered to take Hunter and Jenny off our hands."

"THAT's where Hunter went? To Brian's loft? Are you sure that was a good idea?"

Michael stopped in the middle of the floor, prepared to defend Brian to the death. "Brian has no interest in Hunter, sexually."

"I wasn't asking about that. I was asking about Hunter. Surely Brian's not safe."

Michael chuckled, as he walked by Ben in the tiny alcove. He brushed his hand over Ben's stomach, gripping his belt loops. He swiped a quick kiss, then continued on with the preparation for dinner. "Wow! That was unusually kind of you. Funny, too."

"I'm not foolish enough to look a gift horse in the mouth. I'm grateful for having this time alone with you. The fact that it was Brian to make the offer... is slightly daunting. But I guess we can't choose who takes them off our hands, since Melanie sure hasn't seen fit to make it any easier for us."

Michael felt the chill run down his spine at the condescending remark toward the mother of his child. "Mel's trying to hold it together for her and Jenny. I'm not ridiculing her for any free time she needs to help make this transition with Lindsay any easier. So... neither should you." He opened a drawer to pull out the cloth napkins and drag out the nice utensils.

"Transition?! Michael... they're washing away nine years of a loving relationship and marriage."

"Because Lindsay had a one night stand. With a man." Michael stated matter-of-factly, driving the main point home. "It's like someone running over your foot, then rolling backward... over your foot again to see if they ran over your foot. Mel's got a lot on her mind, a shitload of sanity to keep hold of... a baby to raise on her own... for Christ's sake. You think it's simple just to forget an indiscretion of that magnitude?"

"I'm just saying... there's worse things to apologize for. They had a home... children together... they had a life once upon a time. Seems pretty easy to walk away and not try to work at keeping their marriage intact."

"And *I* think there are some things you can NEVER forgive... or forget. A certain trust was broken. I think the infidelity would have been less traumatic to take if it had been with another woman."

Ben leaned back on the stove. "When did this become OUR battle with one another?"

Michael crossed his arms over his chest, standing firmly in his verbal position. "I had no idea we were fighting. And... speaking as one of the half of us, in this marriage, I think it's a valid point to discuss the pitfalls, supposed, wedded bliss and complacency can bring."

"What does THAT mean?"

"Well, you figure with how difficult it is for gay men and women to marry, we'd try to make it easier on ourselves to remain as a couple. Maybe that one would try their best to NOT sink into their baser needs in a moment of weakness. You make the commitment, don't fuckin' cheat."

This was an interesting fact to hear from Michael. Ben's non-technical *foul* with the student, Andrew, that he had tried to keep secret... rattled in his head. "What do you consider cheating? Is there something equivalent to the Kinsey Sex Scale for this? You think it's debilitating to a person's character to seek out their deepest desires?"

Michael furrowed his brow in confusion. "No. But when it's at the mercy of your significant other's importance in your life... then... maybe you should rethink your relationship values. Are you getting out of it what you need most? Maybe you're not paired with the right person."

Michael and Ben were on different sides of the room, arguing over different sides to the issues. They would never see eye to eye.

"Wouldn't you figure that the one time we find a moment to act like a married couple, try to have a romantic meal... your friends can, and always will, infiltrate our lives?" Ben shook his head in sadness at how susceptible they were to the choices others made in their outside lives. Why couldn't they just stick to their own life together, with Hunter and Jenny?

"How did they become MY friends? You're a part of my life, which leads to you being linked with them, too. Saying it like that just puts me in a place I don't want to be in."

"Which is?"

"The one that gets slimed on. They seem to become MY friends when they stir up problems in OUR relationship. When it's really none of our business to let it affect us. We just need to take heed, is all *I'm* saying."

"Michael... that's not what I was trying to say."

"Then what ARE you trying to say? Without my sonar, bat-like ears I'm not picking up whatever you're *signal* sends me." Michael forcibly dug inside the utensil drawer, for extra spoons to serve the food. He stomped over, behind a chair. He began to keep himself busy fixing the floral arrangement in the center of the table, pulling and tugging at every piece.

"Michael..."

Michael pretended like he hadn't heard his name softly called. "I know what you're gonna say. All of this leads back to Brian, I know. It's not his fault that you're HIV+ and can't be around Jenny when she's sick. It's, also, not his fault that Jenny's susceptible to colds, chest infections and viruses." This one was the hardest one to admit to. "And... it's not his fault that I find myself clinging to him, more and more, as I become a father to Jenny, since we both had shitty childhoods." He reached up to pinch the bridge of his nose. "The older I get, the more I realize I need him as a part of my life. I can't explain it, that's just the way it is. I want Jenny to know him. I know he needs her just as much." Michael held out his arms, wanting Ben to tell him what the fuck was wrong so they could stop pussyfooting around the issue in the room. "I refuse to stand here, constantly defending Brian and I to you, when you won't let me in... during certain moments in your own health progress... or status quo... or whatever they call it. You always seem to keep a part of yourself held back from me, like you think I'm not going to understand or know what the hell you're talking about."

Ben closed his eyes as he let everything Michael said sink in. He knew Michael had a huge heart. His capacity to love was fathomless, but there were times he wished that emotion was exclusively his own to keep. He knew his frustrations stemmed from being unable to bond with Jenny, like Brian was beginning to. Then he had to think, this was his old fear reoccurring, again and again. How did you open your life to someone, when you already knew your fate? That you had a death sentence hanging over your head, hoping no one would notice. How did he let Jenny in when he had some idea he'd never make it to her graduation or her marriage, should she find a man, like her father, to adore her? If he didn't spend all his time living in the now, he'd be stressing over all his tomorrows. That was no way to live.

Ben picked up the wooden spoon and began stirring again. "They're willing to create a spot, for me, in Tibet. It's almost similar to what they've been offering me in the past. They sent a letter awhile ago and I guess I was afraid you might have some misgivings. I know we've built this family unit for us. I've made promises to you and I already refused before. We struggled to adopt Hunter... and now we have a new baby. Our marriage means more to me than some job. I'll understand if you..." He grew worried when he heard no words from Michael in response. Not even in anger.

Michael had solemnly taken the seat he usually occupied at the table. He was staring into the floral arrangement. "How can you NOT go, Ben?" He rubbed his palms together, feeling the sheen of sweat collecting on his skin. So THIS was it? This was the big *dilemma* he'd been worried about that Ben was hiding? "It's the opportunity of a lifetime." He wasn't going to lie to himself. There was a streak of selfishness, in Ben, that would ALWAYS keep him in the dark about certain specifics.

Ben seemed to crave diving his soul into something spiritually sound, that would ground him and make him feel fulfilled, able to accomplish whatever he wanted.

How could Michael deny him that happiness?

Michael having Brian, in his life... was equal to Ben's deep need for Tibet and being able to teach his calling, so there was no need for excuses or explanations.

Michael felt weird being able to readily accept these kinds of decisions Ben made, without talking things over with him. Maybe... with Vic's passing, Brian's cancer and his own struggles with being a fatherless Daddy, to both Hunter and Jenny... he was simply becoming more understanding of Ben's needs to *regroup* and *heal*. He wished it didn't look like Ben was running away, possibly leaving for good.

Ben shook his head, stunned. Why didn't he feel pleasure out of Michael agreeing with his inner acceptance of the job? He was practically being allowed to pack and walk right out of Michael's life, for six to eight months. Maybe it was because while Ben basked in personal spiritual growth... he secretly knew that Michael could grow even closer to Brian. "I don't want you to think I'd abandon you at the drop of a hat."

"You do plan on coming back, right?"

"Sure, I do."

Michael heard the hesitance, but took it as though Ben's health status could worsen while away. "As long as you promise me... you'll always come back to me..." He stood from his place at the table, wandering over to where Ben stood in the center of the room, between the kitchen and dining area. He wrapped his arms about Ben's waist, laying his head on the strong chest. His eyes closed in perpetual sadness. No matter how much he loved Ben, no matter how permanent they made their connection... there would always be a gulf of difference between them. "... you can do anything you damn well please, whatever makes you content."

Ben would always be HIV+, Michael was not. Ben would always be on a medicinal regimen to keep him alive and sane, Michael wouldn't have to worry about one sniffle or cough. Ben had to think about every little advance he took to stay fit and healthy, Michael worked out to maintain his inherently thin body. Ben confronted Death at every crossroad, Michael had an endless number of tomorrows.

Ben would always lead a whole other life Michael could never be a part of. If Ben needed Tibet to come back on track and stay ahead of the game of Life... then Michael couldn't prevent him from taking that troublesome step.

Michael couldn't help feeling that there would always be an underlaying resentment to the state of his own sexual health. A battle he couldn't fight against Ben. He felt compelled to give in, whenever it rose up in their relationship.

Ben would always be right, because Michael could never walk in his shoes, no matter how hard he tried.

Ben felt torn. Sorrowful and elated all at the same time. Strange feeling, but he wouldn't put it past the man he'd chosen to love and keep at his side to make him feel two emotions at once. Michael didn't mean to make him feel inadequate, imperfect and unable to please his every whim, but it would always happen. He wished all his friends could have spouses who were this understanding. He pressed a kiss to the dark crown of Michael's head, laying over his steadily beating heart. Ben had to hold Michael, from him, at a distance to control his breathing. It wasn't cool to lose his composure before they ate.

There was enough time to become emotional and appreciate his husband later on... after dinner.

Ben dipped his head to connect his lips with Michael's. His hands instinctively moved to cup Michael's face, molding the beautiful framework. His thumb pad tenderly smoothed under Michael's right eye. He felt the slight film of moisture collecting as the first tear tried to fall.

"SHIT!" Ben reigned soft kisses all over Michael's face, gently telling him he knew of the quiet suffering. Knew what he was giving up in order to please his husband.

Michael didn't know what to feel, he just had to cry... those quiet tears of letting go. Of knowing, one day, Ben wouldn't be there. One day Hunter wouldn't be there. And, god forbid, one dark, and dreary day... Brian wouldn't be there... And there he would stand... alone...

Michael's face crumbled and he brought up his hands to bunch up around Ben's shirt collar, dragging the muscular body close to his heart. **Do this, Ben. Do this for both of us. And come back to me. Please... don't ever forget to come back to me...** his silent pleas hopefully went directly into Ben's own thoughts.

Ben shed a few random tears with Michael, knowing that he'd do his own venting alone... when Michael wouldn't see his darker side. He'd already made THAT mistake once. Scaring the piss out of both, himself, and Michael.

Michael settled, comfortably, against Ben's chest, wishing he could hibernate for months and let the world circle around him. He was tired of fighting, of always struggling, to compete when he had no idea what he was vying for in the competition.

Michael's mind was already working on what Brian would say about this new information. Another mark against Ben... and the flimsy constitution of marriage and it's sanctity.

Michael would simply take this as another failure he would feel obligated to make up for in the other aspects included in his busy life. If he couldn't be a husband and a sexual giving, loving partner for six to eight months... then he'd excel at being the best, god damn, friggin' father two kids ever had in their young, impressionable lives.

But there was another... lonely, heartfelt plea, burning deep within Michael's heart... and it echoed through his head at every moment such as this...

 _**Why... am_ ***I*** _... never enough?**_

**~~TBC...**   



	3. Chapter 3

"Yeah! Yeah! Sure I can make it back earlier than planned." Justin was pacing the loft's hardwood flooring, talking on his cell phone. "No, I haven't.... Yes, I will. I do. I know it. How? Well... look at me. How can he resist this face?" He laughed at his own joke, pausing as he heard a commotion outside and a key in the lock. He had been only expecting Brian. He turned his back, continuing his conversation. He knew this would make him look as if he were having a much needed private call that would bug Brian to no end. A life that went on without him. Little did Justin know how not interested Brian was in things that never included him, except for the need to draw his pretty face. RAGE was Michael and Justin's project, not his. Brian only stepped in to pull their claws out of one another, keep them from strangling each other's neck. A smile broke out on Justin's mouth. A wide, suspicious one that held too many secrets. "Well, it is getting a tad difficult to talk to him when he's never here... I plan on it, man. Tonight. Just as soon as we're..." When Justin turned back, pacing again, shining his bright sunshiny smile... he hadn't planned on Hunter being on the receiving end. "... alone." 

"`S'up, dude!" Hunter gave a random head nod toward Justin as he carried in he and Jenny's overnight bag, the plastic grocery bags and quickly moved about to roll Jenny inside, secure in her stroller. His sharp eyes picked up the lay of the loft. "Ahhhh, honey... you shouldn't have." He rubbed his stomach like a satisfied *husband*. He purposefully talked louder than he should, knowing Justin was on an important business call to the Coast. "Is there something you need to ask me, JT? Should we confess it all now or wait until Brian comes in?" He winked toward the blond boy, leaving the loft to head back into the hallway.

There were pots and pans covering each burner on the stove. There was a tacky, gag-enducing romantic dinner set up... for two... on the table.

Justin couldn't look away from the absolute train wreck of a night he was facing. The kid was truly obnoxious. He had no idea how anyone could stand those grating teenager habits. "Wha?" Something began to go off in his ear. He'd forgotten Brett had been talking all this time. "Nah, I'm fine. I lost your signal. Didn't catch a majority of ... uh-huh..." He moved, in a better position, to watch what was coming through the hallway.

"Dude, don't give yourself a fuckin' hernia. I told you I'd come help!" Hunter whined at his companion in the hall.

"Duuuude... you took forever! And if your, so-called, *help* consists of that paltry lift you just gave me out of the elevator... I'd rather call my Crypt Keeper of landlady to aide me in my quest." Brian was pushing the huge rectangular box all on his own.

"Hey! Could you two keep it down?! I'm on the phone. Bad connection." Justin covered the mouthpiece to pace back toward the window to make it look like he was trying to get a better signal from the high windows. "I can barely hear half of what Brett's trying to say to me."

Both Brian and Hunter paused to stare at one another in stunned bewilderment. What the hell did they care about Brett and LA? This was Pittsburgh... PA... and they were trying to lug in one of the two purchases that Brian had made on their shopping excursion.

Brian stood up from his hunched position of pushing against the box to wipe at his sweaty face. "Did HE just tell me to a shut up?"

Hunter nearly jumped up and down with glee. "Can I watch you kick his ass?" He faked a terrible Kung-Fu move of *kicking ass* as he saw Brian stare at him. "Pwetty please?"

"Careful, Jimmy-san... or you'll pull something you never knew you had." Brian had to suffer through another Kung-Fu demonstration as Justin passed by them again... never bothering to offer his help or put down the phone to actually give a shit. Brian shook his head at the silly humor that tickled him. "You're good for my sanity, Jimmy."

"Hunter, dude."

"Whateveh, dude! Help me, will ya'...?? Or I'll fuckin' mow you down where you stand!!" Brian began to shove the box forward, butting up against Hunter.

"Wait!" Hunter put up a hand to *pause* the action. "Let me get JT to take my place. Michael would kill you if you harmed one hair on my head."

"Damn! I forget that somebody actually likes your annoying ass."

"How do I unglue the phone from his ear? Get his attention?"

"Tell him to drop his pants and you'll give him the BJ of his life." Brian went to push again, then came back up. "No... wait, sorry... that only works with me..."

"Ewww! No freakin' way, dude! You can't pay me enough to even joke about that shit." Hunter looked at Justin, leaning casually against a wall. "He's too pretty. Not my type at all." He came back to help Brian slide the box completely inside the loft. " `Sides... I don't swing that way anymore. I like bodacious ta-tas and cavernous beavers, not sticks and stones."

Brian shot up in shock. "Since when?!"

"Since... ever, dude! I was never gay! My mom forced me into working for her." Hunter shrugged his shoulder. He could see that Brian's face was changing into something serious. He was beginning to understand. "She said I had to come up with my side of the rent money, so she made me..."

Brian put up a hand. "Enough. No more! Please. Christ!" He put his hands on his hips. "I never thought I'd be glad I had the mother I did." He leaned down to begin pushing. "At least she forgot I existed... left me to my own care."

Hunter hefted his end. "Lucky kid."

"Yeah, right. One day, you and I... we'll sit an' chit-chat. Compare notes. See which one of us is going to hell first." Brian was about to push again, but something struck him as odd. "So... if you're NOT gay, then... why do you keep *hittin'* on me?"

Hunter crossed his arms over his chest. "Come on! You're not serious, are you? Have you looked in the mirror lately?! You are, what the new generations call... a *hottie*..." It didn't look like Brian was letting any of this sink in. "You're *bangin'*... you're *slammin'*... you *got it goin' on*..."

"I'm attractive?" Brian feigned stupidity.

"Uh... yeah!"

"Well... I don't exactly know how to take that. I'm... uh, freakishly... flattered."

Hunter did some kind of foolish salute with three fingers off his temple. "God's honest tru', man. Scouts honor!"

"You were never a boyscout."

"No... but I sucked a few scout leaders off. Some did make me wear the *official* uniform, so maybe, I was a boyscout... just not in the real world's eyes."

"That news sends chills down MY spine... and I'm pretty perverted."

"There's a real difference between being a sicko... being perverted and just having good taste when it comes to fetishes. You can be *dirty*, but still have morals."

Brian used his parental index fingers to direct Hunter. "YOU pull... *I* will push..."

"Oh, how I once longed to hear those very words from your lips to my ears." Hunter batted his eyelashes together, then rubbed his hands to grab onto the box. "On two?"

"Three!" Brian struggled to breath out his answer.

Hunter was in a half bent, unsure of what was about to happen. "Are you startin' backwards at three? Or forward at one?"

Brian sighed, rolling his eyes. Why was it taking so long to get this damn thing inside? They had another one just like it waiting in the hall. "One!"

"Oh... shit!" It took Hunter two seconds to realize Brian was beginning the count. "Two!"

"Two!"

"Three!"

"Whoa, Nelly!!" Hunter nearly backed into Justin, landing awkwardly on his feet. "Hey! Sorry, honey!" He reached back to pat Justin's hip bone... and half an ass cheek.

Justin had been off the phone for awhile as he pushed Hunter out of his way, blocking Brian from entering the rest of the loft. "What the fuck is this?"

Hunter didn't like being shoved aside. He drew up way too close to Justin, wrapping his arm about the slim neck, like they were best buddies. "JT, Brian has finally decided to build you the Romper Room you so richly deserve." He put a hand over his heart. "He's been feeling really bad about your lost childhood." He flourished his arm to show the picture on the box displaying what was inside.

A baby's swing seat.

Justin furrowed his brow. "Another present for Jenny?! Brian, you can't be..."

"Move!" Brian pushed the side of the box into Justin's chest to get him out of the way.

Justin had to jump out of the path Brian was taking or he would certainly be plowed to the floor. He glared at Hunter, wondering why he hadn't been warned.

Hunter shrugged, stretching his arms out. "You're on your own. He warned ME, dude." He had no explanation.

Brian stopped moving the box, yanked off his jacket, throwing it to land on the ground. He lifted the bottom hem of his button-down shirt to wipe at his sweaty brow. "Free your sister, Jimmy." He motioned to Hunter to help a growing frustrated Jenny.

Jenny always got excited when she saw either Hunter or Brian within her reach, didn't like the confines of the stroller, either.

"Hunter, dude!"

"Whatever, dude!" Brian turned to see his dining room table decked out... for only two. Shit! "Got a heavy date, Taylor?!"

Hunter wandered over, to Justin, with Jenny in his arms. He was rocking her just like Brian or Michael would. "Brian... we've tried to live a lie... but I guess we've been found out." He sent a wink to Justin. "JT and I have been... keeping our hot, monkey love a secret." He sighed, pinched the bridge of his nose. "Whew! Man... that was tough. What a relief!"

"Get off of me, you retard!"

Hunter was saddened that Justin didn't have a better come back.

Brian had to chuckle or he'd punch one of them. "Alright children... settle down." He used his best schoolmarm voice. He was slowly unbuttoning his shirt, then he held out his arms, flexing his fingers. "Give her to me." When Hunter followed instructions, Brian swung him back to face the kitchen. "Get a plate for yourself. Help Justin with the food." He pushed Hunter off on his way, while recalling the rest of what he'd need. "And bring me one of Jenny's formula bottles. Fridge door, second shelf." Brian could feel Justin's eyes trail his every move, so he walked away toward the bedroom. He wanted to change into a simple white V-neck t-shirt so he could get down and dirty building the things he'd bought Jenny. He one-armed opening the drawer, gave Jenny the clean t-shirt to hold for him. He set her gently down on his king-sized mattress.

Hunter met him on the steps to hand off the bottle.

Brian placed it on the dresser top until he'd gotten himself dressed comfortably and Jenny, as well.

Jenny was dressed in her best summer outfit, pastel yellow cotton sweater set, with a matching wide-brimmed baby sun hat. Amazing that she could find such fascinating qualities in something as plain as a cotton t-shirt, but she stared at it wide-eyed. Then proceeded to chomp on it, suckling at one corner on the arm's hem.

Brian took off his dirty shirt, watching Jenny teething his clean clothes.

And why the hell wasn't he getting upset? Well, it was gonna end up dirty anyway and Brian wasn't dressing up to go out. This was a very good start. He decided to trade her. Clean shirt for a dirty one.

Jenny stretched out the colorful new material. Had a very nice smell. She giggled as it covered her whole head. She could no longer see anything, not even Brian's smiling face looking down at her.

"Uh... oh..." Brian whispered, his voice raising an octave. He sunk down to his knees, low beside the bed frame. "Where's my baby girl?!" He pounced, tickling his way up Jenny's pudgy body as he yanked down the shirt collar to find laughing chocolate eyes glittering up at him. He almost lost his next breath at how much they reminded him of Michael. He swallowed nervously. "There she is!!" Brian mimicked Jenny's *clapping hands* motion of a job well done. "Yea!!!"

Jenny crumbled in riotous chuckling at Brian's silliness.

The game continued on... and on. Both of them finding one another hilarious and delightful.

Justin had witnessed every single minute of it. He tried NOT to smile in kind, like it was some type of acknowledgment that Michael had, yet again, taken over his relationship with Brian. He had to remain stiff and stoic, unmoved by simple emotions. "Who the hell are you anymore, Brian Kinney?"

Brian never once moved his eyes, or his smile, from Jenny's captivated gaze. They were now playing a tiny tug-of-war with his dirty laundry. He let her win every round, of course. "Right now, Sunshine... I'm Jenny's caretaker and Hunter is my house guest. If you've got a fuckin' problem with it... you can pack up your shit and leave through that open door." He gestured to the open loft door.

"What's with you these days? I came back to be with you, Brian. Not scrounge around for my own set of playtime. You never want to be alone with me. I've barely had an entire conversation with you that didn't involve discussions about diaper changes, bottle feedings and descriptions of baby vomit. Or have a moment alone with you that didn't consist of a phone call from Michael..."

Brian put up a hand. He put the clean T-shirt on. "Stop right there." He tenderly untied Jenny's hat from her head, smoothing out her soft curls. She tried to reach up and grab his wrist. "I've told you... mentioning Michael or Jenny is off limits to you. I have no reason to need to explain them. Things are just the way they are because... let's just leave it at that." He got up off his knees, slowly, feeling his old bones creak. He was moving toward Jenny's new dresser. "And... that fuckin' phone hasn't been off your ear since your plane landed. What? You think you need to impress me, Spielberg?! Well, I'm not." He opened drawers to pull out lounge wear for Jenny, her pastel colored baby jumper that snapped in the crotch. He always thought how interesting grown up clothing would be if they had snaps in the crotch. So much time would be saved on foreplay. He cracked up at the thought.

Jenny always picked up on his snickering, laughing along with him. Brian didn't have to explain what was funny, she loved the sounds of his laughter

Justin didn't find anything quite THAT funny.

Brian came back over, bending down to Jenny's level. She rolled herself over, crawling around to sit facing Brian, wondering what he had planned next for her. He took off her sweater, one arm at a time. She let him. "Why the hell did you come back here if things were still that busy back in LA? They couldn't do without you for five days?"

Jenny tried her best to hold up her little arms so Brian could put the upper portion of the jumper over her head, but her coordination sucked at this age.

Brian fit Jenny's head in the neck part, dragging it over her chubby face. "Hey, Jenny-mine" He leaned in to brush noses with her as he helped her insert her arms in the jumper. Her balance wasn't that good, so he used his face to hold her up. Her pliant ebony curls tickled his skin. He slunk the stretchy material over her body, laying her back so he could yank off her corduroy pants. "Ta-Dah!"

Jenny *clapped* for no other reason than out of pure enjoyment. Those pants had been hot and now she would almost be naked... cooling off. Freedom!!

Brian worked the jumper down Jenny's back and made sure the ends of the material fit so he could bring the snaps together. He made a quick diaper check before he closed up shop. Good to go!! He picked up Jenny, bouncing her in the air as he climbed to his height. He never once showed her an ounce of anger as he became frustrated with Justin's bitchy mood. He swiped up the bottle to hand off to Jenny's waiting grasp. Brian cuddled her close as he sauntered over toward Justin. He crooked an arm about the frail neck, forcing Justin to follow him through the loft. "And if I ever... hear you use Jenny's name as one of your lame ass reasons for pitchin' a hissy fit... I swear I won't be responsible for where my shoe will end up wedged." He pretended to bite at the dangling earlobe.

Justin tugged away, a bit disturbed by Brian's deep feelings for the dark-haired child. If they were *love* based, he had never been quite sure before, but now he was growing more confident they were. Damn! He hated being *put in his place* more than anything in front of Hunter. He felt like he had just taken two steps back in his relationship with Brian. Brian would never consider relocation if he asked in anger. Since he couldn't yell at Brian he used Hunter as his *punching bag*. He bumped the teenager from the kitchen duties. "I can do this." He swiped the wooden spoon out of his hands.

"I know, but I need to do something with my hands so they'll stop itching to touch you."

"Michael told me you were straight." Justin shook a confused blond head.

"Oh... I am. But I knows a hot bod and a pretty face when I sees one." Hunter winked at the blond boy, finding it way too easy to tease him tonight. It, almost, wasn't fun anymore.

"Jimmy, leave him be. Go grab a chair at the table." Brian gathered up the plastic bags resting near the pole on the floor, Jenny on his right arm. When Ben packed Jenny's bag, he'd given Brian that nasty New Age natural baby food. Of course Ben was never around to clean up the diapers whenever she ate that crap. The smells were vile and gag-worthy. Give him good and reliable Gerber baby food products. Mmmm... yum.

Without having to be asked, Hunter grabbed Jenny's high chair, from the corner and set it up near where he thought Brian would sit. "Brian..." He seemed to become like a little boy in front of everyone.

"Yo!?" Brian swiveled from being at the kitchen counter.

"My name is Hunter." Hunter swallowed with some difficulty, not sure if Brian would take him being serious. "My Mom called me *Jimmy*."

Justin stirred while he let the conversation go over his head. He didn't understand Hunter's sensitivity to his own name.

Brian nodded his head, kissed Jenny's temple as she leaned forward, watching all the food jars appear. "Gotcha... Hunter." He secretly gave the young man a look of understanding... and a very quiet apology. He had no idea.

Hunter jumped up from his chair. "Wait a second! Come with me, JT!" He saw Justin make a gesture like only HE could watch the food. "Like five seconds of your time is gonna kill you." He moved to wait for Justin to follow him at the end of the breakfast island.

Getting a stern look to *obey* from Brian, Justin huffed out a tired breath and wiped his hands on his pants. He trailed out after Hunter into the hallway. He watched Hunter move toward another oblong shaped box that looked monstrous to lift. "What's this?"

"Brian's fuckin' therapy, you Nimrod!"

"Excuse me." Justin began to back away from helping Hunter at all.

"Look... you're so fuckin' hung up on showing off your *Hollywood* connections that you can't see what you're doing. Or should I say... what you're NOT doing!!"

"Oh... and you're gonna inform me of how to improve my relationship with Brian?"

"Hell no!! That's your business. Although I must say... you're not very good at it. In fact... you suck, dude. You need a refresher course." Hunter settled his body to push from one end. He motioned Justin to take the other.

"Why should I listen to you? Why should I help you?"

"Because... man... I got the inside track on the 411 you most want." Hunter tried to talk a *lingo* with Justin, but he was totally oblivious or a great pretender at having no imagination whatsoever. "UH... Brian and Michael. YOU wanna know what's cooking? Ask me." He thumbed himself in the chest.

Justin became slightly interested. "And why would I want to do a stupid thing like that? Listen to a sixteen year old's sage advice?"

"Because..." Hunter became quiet and serious. "I've *lived* my life, man. I've seen the world. I've seen the gutters. I know how shady people truly are. But now I'm settled. I got the home I've always wanted, the parents I always wanted... and a baby sister I couldn't possible of thought I'd ever want. Dude, I thought I was living before, but I was only surviving. NOW... right here... I'm living..." He noticed Justin open his mouth to say something. "I got the floor, Blondie." He got the box off the wall, balancing it under his arms so he could lean on it. "You got it fuckin' made in the shade, man! Have you ever had the opportunity to rely on your own wacked out instincts? Tried to scrounge up change in order to feed yourself from being starved for three or four days? Forced yourself to suck a cock you'd rather spit on just so you could pay your pimp off for your life?" He raised a curious eyebrow. "No? Wow... then how sad for you. Cushy job in LA. Cushy, swanky pad in Pittsburgh. A pathetic talent at art that could carry you through four years of college on simple scholarship. Tragically kind people willing to take you in at the drop of a hat. Look at the poor, poor little boy... alone in his misery."

"Where are you going with this?" Justin was growing unsettled and perturbed.

"No one's gonna cry for you if you make your life a tragedy. Stop being the victim... and take charge of your fuckin' life. Grow the fuck up! Stay here in the Pitts... you'll die. Slowly. It'll kill you before you do in yourself. So get out. Get the fuck out and run as far away as you can. And most importantly... get a fuckin' life." Hunter bumped the box to hit Justin with it, forcing him to get angry and confront him, man-to-man.

"I would think you would try your hand at keeping Ben and Michael together, instead of trying to push Brian toward Michael." Justin shoved the box back.

"There's no pushing needed, dude. It's been there... whether you like it or not. You can't fight against it, `cause you'll always lose. I don't know why I have to tell this to you. You've been around a lot longer then I have. You should already know this shit." Hunter squinted his eyes toward Justin. "Or maybe you're THAT self-centered you think you've figured out a way to infiltrate their bond... mess with their heads... make them feel like they don't belong together."

Justin looked down, knowing he had tried a few underhanded ways to win affection over Michael from Brian.

"Dude... that's like temptin' fate and you don't do shit like that if you want a place in Heaven."

"I can't believe I'm standing here listening to you say this crap!"

"You'll walk away with more of a broken heart than you've ever had if you don't sever ties as soon as possible."

"Ben's leaving for Tibet in a few days."

"Yeah... your point?"

"And what a great opportunity it will be for you to walk Michael right into Brian's arms."

"And THAT would be bad because...?" Hunter wondered what Justin's *angle* was in all this.

"I love Brian."

"Good for you. Michael loves Brian, too. But... you know... I'm beginning to wonder who Brian loves."

Justin had no reply.

"See... yet you're still here. I wouldn't take *scraps* like that from a dog. Do you like being second best?"

"Brian does love me in his own way."

"But you weren't his first, dude. Michael was..." Hunter watched Justin pace away, rubbing his jaw. "And THAT, my friend, is what will always be here no matter what you do to them. You'll end up hurting yourself in the end." He began to move again to push the box into the loft. "Help me move this for Brian."

"Why did you call this..." Justin waved his hand in front of the huge box. "... thing Brian's *therapy*? Looks like a playpen to me."

Hunter cleared his throat. "Take it from me. When you face Death, you walk through life in stages. Anger, disgrace, self-pity, hope, fear... pick an emotion, we've felt it." He was grouping his own HIV+ condition with Brian's cancer. "Jenny's birth breathed *life* into Brian, man. You've seen him when he's near her. Pure, unconditional love radiates off of him... and Jenny. She healing him more than medicine and radiation ever will. She's giving him a purpose and a worth that he's never felt before. He can touch the future with her, like he can with his own son. He can make sure the people that he most cares about have the very things they most want so that he can die happy. Don't you dare take that from him."

"But Brian's healthy. No more tumors. The cancer's been gone for months."

"Sorry, I'll clarify... so that one day, if the Good Lord should call him *home*, Brian can pass away peacefully with no unfinished business." Hunter crossed his arms over his chest. "Look, closer, Justin... you might be missing Brian's point, altogether, by your little emotional tirade. He knows how talented you are, he knows you're much bigger than Pittsburgh. You'd be wasted here. He wants you to have the opportunities that he had to struggle for, but give you a place to come to if there's nowhere else to go. Don't look at it as anything more than that. You'll push him away, before you win him over." He got tired of Justin's wishy-washy help, so he pushed the box on his own.

Justin was stunned into silence, taking in everything Hunter had just said to him. For a teenager, he had some sound advice. Justin would try one more thing at dinner... and then he would leave for LA tomorrow. Heart surely in tatters, but with a saner mind than if he tried to stay and change Brian. He blocked Hunter from his slow trek across the hall and began to arrange his body in order to help.

Justin was flabbergasted that his plans had taken a 360 degree turn on him. No matter what he attempted to do to distract Brian... Michael would always be top priority, and then anyone connected to him... Jenny, Hunter... hell, sometimes even Ben. He didn't think he could take one more stab to his heart.

Funny, after Hunter's earlier comment, Justin had to wonder if he was even second choice in the scheme of things.

*****************************************************************

Justin finished up the last of the dishes. He'd chased Brian and Hunter away to complete the chore, both having other things to take up their time. He had needed a little sanity. He hadn't been able to ask Brian his question, yet. Trying to find a minute, or two, to ask when Brian wasn't preoccupied with Michael's kids. Once Justin knew how impossible that feat was going to be, he simply decided to plunge right in.

Justin paced over to the space, just off the kitchen/dining room area, where Brian was seated on the floor in the middle of assembling the baby swing seat.

Brian was concentrated deeply into his task he never heard or saw anyone approach him. He was more interested in watching Jenny. She was on her stomach on one of the huge floor pillows he'd been using in leu of a couch. She was dozing off from her very exciting, adventurous, mildly tiring day out with Brian. She had been tucked in with a warm fleece blanket thrown over her. Her head turned away, laying on her left cheek. Her tiny fist fit perfectly under her chin. The soft snores were the only thing filling the empty air.

Hunter had taken a place, on the floor, as well, laying on his back in the living room. He wore headphones connected to his portable CD player. In his hands was a electronic game. He made occasional spurts of success or grunts of displeasure, keeping his tone at a low level.

Justin saw an opportunity to pounce while the going was good. He leisurely strolled over towards Brian. He pulled out a chair from the dinning room table. "Brett has been keeping me updated on things back at the studio. They're gonna need me back... sometime tomorrow afternoon. I've got an early flight out to LA." He, at least, expected Brian to make a little motion of acknowledgment, that he had heard what was just said.

Brian was clearly ignoring Justin's presence, not just the words coming out of his mouth. He was trying to decipher the instruction booklet. The moment Brian flipped the page, Justin became enraged.

"You aren't even going to say *goodbye*... *don't let the door hit your ass on the way out*??!!"

Brian kept his voice above a whisper, since Jenny was sleeping beside his right hip on the plush pillow. "I don't jump through hoops for anybody, you know that. If you have to go... then GO. With my blessing. Don't make it seem like ***I*** have to make the decision for you. And don't make it some long-ass dramatic exit." He was impressed with his progress, so far, on the swing. Pieces were fitting into one another nicely and he wasn't missing any hardware or tools. He picked up a small wrench to tighten one bolt a tad more, feeling it loosen under his grip.

Justin glanced over at Hunter, making sure the teen wasn't paying attention. "I want you to come back with me." He blurted out, finally, taking a chance at rejection.

Brian had the decency to pause, in kind, right in the middle of his construction. "What? YOU want me to drop... EVERYTHING..." His gaze moved to Jenny's deeply slumbering form. "... and run off to LA? And do what... exactly? Shack up and mooch off YOU for a few years?"

Justin's face showed no emotion. He simply stared Brian down. He was reaching the end of his rope with the *games* they continued to play with one another. When would it ever end, when both of them knew what the ending was already? "A very plain *yes* or *no* question. Either you do... or you don't, Brian. Not very difficult."

"Nothing is as *simple* as that." Brian had finished with his side of the discussion. "Plus, if you were truly serious, you'd have thought this out a little better and given me more notice."

"You're stalling."

"Yeah, well, call it a little payback for when I asked you to accept my invitation."

"So... now that we're even... you going to give me a fuckin' answer?"

Brian sighed, throwing his tools down. "Do you want to fight right now?" He couldn't work with Justin nagging him in his ear. " `Cause we can take this outside, in the hall... and get this over with."

"Why? So you can kick my ass?" Just smart mouthed his reply.

Brian made sure Jenny was safe on the pillow, still sleeping as he climb up to stand in front of Justin. He then grabbed the small biceps in his hands and walked Justin toward the door. Along the way, he bent down to mumbled in the tiny ear covered by spiky blond hair. "No! So we can take this... whatever you're angry at... away from the impressionable children."

Justin yanked his arm out of Brian's rough grip. He rubbed at the skin under his shirt sleeve. "I want you to know it's not about them... or Michael."

Brian crossed his arms over his chest, looking down at Justin. He occasionally glanced over to Jenny. "When is anything you react to... NOT?" He huffed out a sigh, shaking his head. He padded over to the fridge, in his socked feet, to pick out some bottled water. This new chemo med and his continual bouts of radiation gave him dry mouth every so often and he was constantly in need of re-hydration. He opened the bottle cap to take a sip. "Let me ask you this..." He leaned back on the counter.

Justin moved to take the end stool at the breakfast bar.

Brian pinched the bridge of his nose, in deep thought, wondering how he should say this to Justin... the right way and not hurt him. "Let me ask you this... are you prepared for unscheduled doctor visits? Mood swings that would put PMS to shame? Feeding at strange times of day? Long hours of not being able to keep anything down? Lengthy waits of pacing the hospital floor? Moments when times of insomnia chase you until you're forced to pass out cold from exhaustion...?"

Justin lightly chuckled, thinking Brian was making a *joke*, teasing him. "You cannot bring Jenny with you. She's not your child to take care of." He noticed Brian cringe from that statement, like it truly hurt and offended him to have it said out loud. Suddenly... this conversation didn't seem so cute anymore.

Brian put on his *game* face. The one that knew how to break hearts and cut ties that bound him. The ties that would complicate his life. Always wanting more. Always finding him lacking in something that needed to be changed. Wanting to make him into somebody that he wasn't... and never would be. He sauntered over to the counter facing Justin. "That's the problem with you, Justin. You've got a one track mind that won't quit. I wasn't talking about Jenny at all."

"Who, then?" Justin's brow furrowed in confusion, unsure where Brian was going with this.

Brian splayed his arms along the counter edge, staring at Justin until he fuckin' *got a clue*.

"You?" Justin still wasn't quite over his confusion. "But your doctor has been handing you a clean bill of health. You've said so yourself."

"I know I have. The thing is, Sunshine... this *sickness* I have... it's not like a cold. I can't get better from this in under a week or so. And chicken soup DOES NOT cure all. Once you have cancer, it's like a stigma that sits over your head. Can't get rid of it, no matter how many tumors or cysts they remove, malignant or not. It may look like I'm alright... but you want to know what my biggest enemy is?"

"What?"

Brian's hazel gaze became deep and penetrating, wanting to let Justin know this wasn't *playing house* anymore. This illness was serious and needed someone with a much more solid head on his shoulders who wasn't going to run away or pick small personal battles, holding grudges for no reason. "That the very chemo and radiation I am taking... can actually kill me."

Justin's jaw nearly dropped on the floor. "Say that again?"

"The chemicals used in many of the cancer drugs today and the technology used for most radiation techniques... can give me cancer. Not the similar one I am treated for, but another cancer in a different part of my body."

Justin sat back in the stool, not believing Brian for one minute. The logic sounded fucked up. "Why the hell tote it as a cure when all it does is kill you anyway?"

"No doctor tells any patient it's a *miracle cure*. It will prolong your life for however long you want to live. By then it's a crap shot, really. Depends on the patient and their body make-up. Cancer treatments work or don't work pertaining to individuals not to specific cancers. Just because some po-dunk redneck in some hick town gets testicle cancer, has my same treatment and lives another twenty years... doesn't mean *I*... having the same cancer, could pull through with flying colors." Brian dipped his head to try and get Justin to look him in the face, but he was avoiding his eyes. "Can you handle it all, Justin? Along with your flourishing movie career?"

"Handle all that?" Justin almost replied out of breath, like he couldn't even have that much faith in himself.

"Handle... the not knowing... is what I'm asking. Once I'm gone... who's there for you, huh? Who have you kept by your side during all this time we've spent together that means more to you than I do? And all mothers are off limits. That means Debbie and Jennifer." Brian took another swig of his water. He was astounded to learn Justin couldn't even readily say *Daphne's* name.

Justin kept looking at his hands. They were trembling slightly. Was he nervous? Was this the End of them as... whatever they were? Things were moving too fast in LA for him to stop and take care of Brian. But that was only if he got sick again. And how long would Justin have to sit on pins-n-needles for that to happen? He'd already given four years of his life to Brian... and all he had to show for it was a sock drawer, room in the closet and a place to sleep when he showed up in Pittsburgh. Was that it? "Why does Michael make it look so easy?"

Brian was frustrated by Justin's fascination with Michael. "Make what look easy?" He had to hear this one.

"Being capable of doing everything that comes down his path. I can only seem to function, and focus, on one thing. Here Michael is owning his own store, writing a comic book, sheltering a young street hustler, protecting that street hustler from his own mother, fostering that same street hustler, dealing with a partner with HIV and a foster son with HIV, grieving for an uncle who's passed, helping his mother through her own grief, marriage to his boyfriend, raising a newborn daughter..." He finally glanced up, shaking his head in awe. "Should I go on?"

Hearing other people talk about Michael with a sense of pride and admiration in their voices made Brian's heart beat faster. This was what Michael needed to hear when he was always down on himself and pitying his unfortunate outcomes. Brian came around the kitchen counter to seat himself in the stool beside Justin. He only leaned against the seat he didn't sit on it. "Now do you see? I have a lot of catching up to do. And no time to do it in. Michael's way a head of me in the mature department. I feel... like I've been bad or lazy. I can't make up my mind which one I am, yet."

Justin swiveled to face Brian. "Do you love me?"

Brian sighed, looking down at his feet.

Justin had to smile or he'd bust out in sobs. "Do you love him?"

Jenny chose that moment to stir. She began to sniffle and murmur little cries of not seeing Brian nearby.

Brian raised his eyes to Justin.

Justin almost let his tears fall as he saw Brian's hazel ones water up with emotion.

The soft cries of Jenny's were unsettling Brian. He wanted to go to her and comfort her.

"Do you mind? Can I...?" Brian thumbed his bottle over his shoulder. He wiped at his eyes and sniffled just like Jenny was doing.

"Go." Justin pushed at Brian's knee, quietly releasing him from his *hold*, wondering if he ever had Brian in his keeping at all. If he ever did... even a tiny shred of hope, it had been lost with the second pair of chocolate eyes to enter Brian's world.

"Hey, hey, hey, little one..." Brian crawled down to the floor, on his stomach, over to where Jenny lay, sweetly contemplating his approaching face. He brushed light, airy kisses over the ebony curls, secretly wiping away his slowly falling tears. "Enough of that. Go back to sleep. I'm right here. I will always be right here, Jenny-mine." He lay his cheek on her arched spine, humming something to soothe her back into sleep.

Justin wiped away his own tears, clearing his throat. "I'm already halfway packed. I was going to finish up and leave to stay at Daphne's. She's on vacation, but let me have a set of keys to get in. My flight leaves at six am... and I don't want to disturb you, Hunter or Jenny with having to get up and get ready." He was already out of the room.

Brian closed his eyes, letting Jenny's presence solace him into not feeling like his heart was breaking again. He had no way to identify what he felt for Justin, but it was still a loss. Maybe it wasn't so much as a loss of love, but one of a companion that he thought could handle difficult situations. To find out that someone he believed had potential was living up to every sad, pathetic expectation of a jilted boyfriend.  
 **  
**If you loved me enough, you'd stay. If you'd stay, you could take care of me when I need you. If you loved me enough... you'd know when I was forcing you to leave me. If you loved me at all, you'd know me through and through. You'd stick by my side and never let me down like you're doing now.****

But then... you're not Michael...

"Brian?"

Brian lifted his head off of Jenny's back to flip over and gaze up at Hunter. How long had he been asleep? He only closed his eyes for a few minutes. "Hunter, what's...?"

Hunter squatted down to Brian's head level. "Blondie's still here. Hasn't left yet." He sat down on his bent legs. "Do you have any AA batteries?" He held out his CD player, showing Brian what he would need batteries for.

Brian was caught of guard, unable to answer. He had no idea to his stash of batteries. He knew quite a few of his sex toys still had batteries in them, but if they worked was the question. "I don't know. I..." He was about ready to push himself off the floor when he felt the hand on his wrist keep him down. "Are you okay?" His brow frowned in concern.

Hunter gave Brian such a look of unquestionable understanding it didn't take much for the silent conversation to be held between them. Strangely... similar to how he and Michael talked a few times.

Brian cleared his throat. "How long had you been listening?"

"Long enough." Hunter's hand moved to try and hold Brian's in his own. "You and I are almost brothers in combat."

Brian brought up his other hand to cup Hunter's shoulder. "That's not it, is it? There's more."

"Michael."

"What about him?"

"It's odd. I'm laying over there. Listening to music and it's like I hear something... from far away. I thought you were talking to me... or JT, but no such thing. Then I overhear you two... trying NOT to sound angry at one another. So I leave the headphones back on... and I swear as you guys are chattin' I can hear that sound again. I felt my stomach go sour. I thought JT might have poisoned me... but I can't help but think..."

Brian lowered his eyes to the floor, his own mind in overdrive. "Michael's heart is breaking. I've felt a little weird, too. I didn't know what to do in front of Justin. Hard to explain the way I feel sometimes. What I can sense when Michael's not near."

"Dude..." Hunter reached out to pat Brian's arm. "... you do it perfectly enough for me. Sometimes... feelings are better expressed in the physical sense ,rather than with words." His eyes looked to Justin. "And some people need those stupid words like a freakin' lifeline." His hand move to pat Brian's shoulder. "You're better off without him. You'll see."

Brian lifted up one side of his mouth. "Thanks, I think."

"Good! That's so very cool. We're like hyper-linked to Michael, like a misfit of science. Can we leave when Blondie bails?"

"And do what? Drive over to the apartment and bother Ben and Michael?"

"Ben's like clockwork, dude. Always... immediately after hot, raunchy sex... it`s lights out... catching the Z-waves."

Brian tried to cover his ears. "Dude... watch it!"

"Oh... sorry. I forget sometimes."

"Don't do it again. Or at least wait until tomorrow."

Hunter held out his hand to shake. "Are we doing this?'

Brian cracked up in giggles. "We are doing this!!" He assured Hunter by giving him a hard, firm shake on that promise.

Hunter was on his knees, grinning at Brian, when Justin caught sight of them from passing through to the bathroom to collect more of his stuff. He thought it very rude

of Hunter to wave at him the way he was, like he was a two-year-old.

Of course... Justin never saw the way Hunter could magically turn his wave into a single, upright, flying *bird*.

  


**~~TBC...**


	4. Chapter 4

The incessant pounding woke Ben out of a dead sleep. He shot up in bed, feeling the coldness from the other side. Naturally his left arm reached out to rub the empty space, hoping that the action would work like a genie's lamp, making Michael reappear. Strange how different his life was becoming hours after their dinner and the news about going to Tibet. His regrets weren't outweighed by his deep rooted need to leave Pittsburgh for a few months to clear his head. 

The knocking sounded again, this time slightly more forceful.

"I'm coming!" Ben just threw on a robe, not truly caring who could be at the door at this late hour. He squinted at Michael's digital alarm clock. It was almost eleven. "Coming... coming... coming..." As he yanked open the door, Ben stepped back knowing that if it was who he thought it was... they'd barge right in as if they had lived here before.

Instead, Hunter walked in, slightly out of breath.

Ben's brow curled in worry. "Are you okay? Where's your key?"

Hunter shook his head. "Left it in my bag at Brian' loft."

"How'dja get here?"

"Brian drove."

"Where's Jenny?"

"Downstairs in the car with Brian."

Ben still wasn't sure what was happening. "Are you sure you're okay?" Instinctively, his hand reached out to cup Hunter's shoulder, then trailed up to smooth over the cool, ruddy cheek. "Did you forget something?"

Hunter could see the darkness of the apartment. Could almost feel the missing presence of Michael. Christ! Ben wasn't even aware that Michael had amscrayed in the middle of the night. "No... I just... uh, got worried that you'd leave and I wouldn't get to say my *G'bye*s." He reached over to pull Ben close in his arms, hugging him harshly.

Ben felt the added pressure that was usually there when Hunter was feeling emotional. He gently patted the jacket covering Hunter's back. "A call would have sufficed." His hand went to comb through the mass of straight locks on Hunter's head, tenderly cupping the back in his palm. He pressed a kiss to Hunter's cheek.

"I know, but... *hugs* are so much easier in person." Hunter tried to push himself out of Ben's arms so he could race back down the flights of stairs to get back into Brian's Corvette. "Love ya'." Hunter's loosely wrapped arm became gripped in a tight clamp.

"Hey... hey... hey... whoa! Slow down! Where are you off to so fast?" Ben wasn't sure Hunter was being as honest with him as he used to be. "I, uh... want you to... uh, thank Brian for me." He stared into Hunter's eyes, wanting him to know there was more than just this one thing to *thank* Brian for. He knew, could sense Hunter emotionally *pulling back*, trying to make his departure, from their family life, as painless as possible. "You... take care of Michael for me." He nearly choked on the request. "And make sure... he doesn't overdo it with Jenny. He doesn't have to do everything for her."

Hunter gave Ben a watery-eyed smile. "I know, dude... that's where Brian and I come in."

"And you can call me... anytime... day or night. There won't be a phone where I'm staying... but there's one in a town nearby." Ben could feel Hunter drawing backward, trying to move into the hallway. "They'll send me word. Then I'll have to call you back. So I may not be able to answer you right away."

"Hey. It's cool. If I do call you... it will be with Michael. I'll try not to bother you with stupid teen, angsty stuff." Hunter tried to joke as he shuffled into the hallway.

"Nothing you're facing is stupid, Hunter. Everything that goes on in your life matters to me."

Hunter shut his eyes, **Then don't go**, but that would be way too easy.

Ben cleared his throat, still clinging to Hunter's hand. His heart was breaking but his sanity was more important during his HIV status. Hunter knew that, they had long discussions on that issue. "You take care... of yourself... most importantly. Stay on your meds and don't do something dangerous that could put your life at risk."

Hunter felt like he was going to bawl like a baby if Ben didn't release him soon. "I promise." He yanked once, Ben wouldn't budge. "I gotta go, dude." He replied softly, hoping his tears hadn't shed, yet. "Please... let me go."

One last squeeze to the hand in his grasp, Ben did just as he was asked. His own tears were falling as he leaned on the door frame. "You'll be on my mind constantly. I won't forget you. I can't." He shrugged as if it was a known fact.

Hunter didn't move even though Ben had let him go. He simply stood in the hallway, staring at the carpet, hands in his pockets. "I know. Same as me."

Ben had to turn his head away, wiping under his eyes. "I love you, son. Be a good boy while I'm gone." He managed to get out while his voice cracked once or twice.

"I will." Hunter rushed back in to kiss and hug Ben quickly. As he let go of Ben, he muttered so only the words were kept between them. "I love you, too... Dad."

Then... he was gone the same way he'd come in.

Ben shut the door on the last person to leave his life as of this minute. By late afternoon tomorrow he'd be on his flight to Tibet and a new world... and hopefully a healing that would make him a better man to his family.

IF they remained *his* to have and to hold... but in his most secret heart of hearts... Ben knew that was a gamble he'd have to take.

Hunter would always be his *son*, but the one thing he was never quite sure of was Michael...

**********************************************************************

"He wasn't there." Hunter climbed into the passenger seat of the Stingray. His emotional breakdown had been done outside of Brian's realm. He didn't want the older man to pick on him.

"Where did he go?" Brian stared ahead into the windshield, looking out into the vacated street where Michael's apartment was located.

Hunter buckled himself in, sniffling once. "I don't think Ben even knows he's not there." He cleared his throat once. "I noticed one of our bikes missing. Maybe Michael took off on that."

Brian's grew worried, his brow frowning in thought. "Where would he go?" He didn't even want to fathom Michael riding a bicycle at eleven o'clock at night. He sent shivers down his own spine at how *parental* he was sounding even about his best friend, who was old enough to know better.

"Debbie's?"

"No. His mother would ask too many questions. So that leaves out the Diner, too."

"Babylon? Woody's?"

"This is Michael we're talking about, Hunter. THAT would be something *I'd* do to cope. No... it's something staring right in our faces. Something we're overlooking."

From the very back, strapped into her car seat, Jenny stretched her arms out... and it sounded like she was growling.

Brian glanced up in his rearview mirror to see what Jenny's keen eyes were picking up. "What? I think Jenny's trying to say something."

Hunter tried to turn in his seat to show Jenny some attention. "Maybe she wants out."

"And maybe she knows where her father is!" Brian raised an eyebrow challenging Hunter to a duel.

"That would be even freakier than us *sensing* Michael, dude. Besides... she's only a baby. She was with us all day. How the hell would she know...?"

"Because she's fuckin' brilliant, that's why!!" Brian stated proudly. "Well, it sounds like she's upset, right? Are her little fists pumping like usual?" He'd place her seat directly behind him. He couldn't see her arms in the rearview mirror, either

"She sounds like she's smoked two packs of Marlboros. Or... it could be her impression of a grizzly bear. Think she means Michael's in the woods?"

"Why in THEE HELL would Michael go into the woods? You're radar's off, dude. Concentrate."

"Should we hold hands or something?"

Brian rolled his eyes. "Just because I'm pretty, doesn't mean I'm easy."

"No." Hunter shoved a fist into Brian's shoulder. "I'm serious. It might build up our psychic link to Michael."

"Hunter... we're not X-men... and neither one of us has super powers, so lay off the crazy talk."

Jenny began make more noises, like she was trying to add her comments to the conversation.

Hunter took off his seatbelt to turn around in his seat. "What, Jenny? What is it, girl? Is Michael in danger?" He resettled in his seat to find Brian staring at him with a certain look to his eye. "What? What did I say?"

"She's not *Lassie*, Hunter. What you have to do is word associate. She sees something in her line of sight that is reminding her of Michael or a piece of her memory that's familiar. She doesn't actually know what she's talking about... she's just feeling the vibe of the car. How worried we are about her father."

Hunter sighed, wishing Jenny was older so she could talk out loud in complete sentences instead of grunts, moans and tons of babbling. When he saw Jenny reach out again, her tiny arms stretching and her hands working in a *gimme, gimme, gimme* motion, he looked into the puny, non-existent seat behind him. "Hey... how long has this..." Hunter pulled out a black mask with elastic string from the cramped corner. "... been in here? And... whoa, dude! I promise not to let Michael see this." He couldn't help but giggle.

"What?" Brian had no idea what Hunter could be teasing him about. He caught sight of the black mask he'd bought for the RAGE party a year or so ago and few miscellaneous pictures. "Oh... shit! I forgot I had these."

"Is that you... dressed up as RAGE?"

"Dude... look at that body. Please..." Brian gestured over his own perfect physique. "I go to the gym to look this good. You couldn't pay me enough to put on this tight ass leotard. No... that's some random jerkoff model I hired to mimic RAGE at the party we held at Babylon."

"Was he good?"

"Who?" Brian wrinkled his brow.

"I bet you fucked the RAGE guy, didn't you? Was HE any good?"

Brian smirked, sighed heavily and kept his mouth shut. "A good girl never kisses and tells." He reached over to pick up the flyers and a small sized poster of the live-action RAGE. "God... this seems like a lifetime ago." His eyes flittered over the font, slowly caressing Michael's name on the copy. "Michael will never know how proud I am of him. His dream come true. I always told him it was possible, but he wouldn't believe me." His voice became far-away sounding, like he was remembering conversations with Michael of their youth, about this very topic. "He thinks I'm constantly blowing smoke up his ass."

"Why does Justin want to take all the credit for the comic? I thought all he did was draw...?"

Brian put down the poster. "Because Justin only knows how to ride on the coat tails of others. He likes playing the *tortured artist of his craft* card. That is... until someone much younger and prettier than the poor schlub taking care of him offers him a better deal. Quick cash and unimaginable fame, such fortune." He stated the *poor schlub* comment a little emphatically, hoping that it wouldn't seem like he was trying to look for pity on himself.

"And you're just going to let him steal away Michael's dream like that? I know I've heard talk about comics, in the apartment, like it was something that flowed in his blood." Hunter became perplexed, shaking his head. "How can someone be that fuckin' rude to do something that selfish? And Michael letting him do it?"

"Michael doesn't *let* Justin do anything. Watch closer, Hunter. It might look like Michael backs off and hides away, but he'll come back... fighting mad. He's clever and mightily stealth..." Brian lifted up one side of his mouth in personal giddiness. Justin was gonna wish he'd included Michael in some of the more recent decisions of RAGE, The Movie. "... you'll never know when he'll strike next. They can get as many Justins and the wanna-be artists they can hire... but there's a few things that they've forgotten about RAGE."

"What?"

"The writing, for one. Michael came up with all the ideas and concepts. Two... no one knows the comic scene like Michael. He knows too much for anyone to ignore. Nobody but a comic fan can *speak* to another comic fan. Brett knows this better than anyone. Justin doesn't know shit about comics or being a fan of anything."

"Anything but you." Hunter teased as he put up his fist like they were filled with pom-poms. "Give me a B! *B*... Give me an R! *R*!... Give me an I! *I*... Give me-!"

Brian put a halting palm in the air to make Hunter stop. "Funny, I get it. Ha-Ha."

Hunter became a nice boy and put his hands away in between his bent knees. "What's the third thing?"

"Heart. When Michael was scribbling RAGE down on notebook paper... it had his *heart*... his *soul*... his *style*. No one can duplicate the earmark of a talented writer... no matter how many pictures of RAGE fuckin' some hot piece of ass they put in the movie. Nobody, but Michael *knows* who RAGE is. If Brett were smart... which I hope he is, he'd ask Michael to write the first draft of the movie script."

"I don't know what you think... but your Blond Ambition boyfriend... is a certifiable twat. Besides... he won't..." Hunter stopped what he was about to say, refusing to end the comment.

Brian paused, waiting patiently. "Come on! Don't leave me in suspense, dude!"

Hunter shook his head, his eyes trailed back to Jenny's odd behavior. "Look at her Brian." He was beginning to realize a connection that was way too obvious. "Give me the poster."

"Uh.. No!" Brian nearly cradled it to his chest, protectively. "Do you know how much these babies are going for on Ebay? Besides... I thought you didn't like boys... even animated ones?"

Hunter chuckled, pointing his finger to ward the mask in Brian's hand. "Put on the mask, for me, then."

"Hunter... I was starting to like you, but you've gone completely over the bend. I almost want to check my pulse when I say this... you're a little too young for me."

"Nah! Look, man!" Hunter snatched the RAGE poster from Brian's clasp. He was placing it in different positions around Jenny's line of vision from the darkened interior of the Stingray. Each time Jenny proceeded to growl and showcase her puny, paltry muscular attributes, like she was posing for an audience. "Dude... it's like she knows it's RAGE, from the picture alone."

Brian nearly blushed with pride, boasting about Jenny's natural brilliance like a proud father. "That's my girl!" He sent over his seat to Jenny, who growled in reply. "She could be mimicking something Michael's taught her. He's kind of childlike and imaginative, trying to make faces at her to calm her down, get her to stop crying." He thought more about the situation. A *light* suddenly came on in his head. "Buckle up, kid!" He turned to sit back in the driver's seat. "I think she just told us where Michael is."

"How?! She didn't even..." Hunter blindly followed orders, knowing how reckless Brian could get while driving in a highly emotional state. It had taken him a little longer, but soon he was figuring out the destination himself. He knew right where quite a few more RAGE posters hung up on a wall for display. "Comic book store... right?"

"I don't know why I didn't think of it sooner." Brian hit his palm on the upper curve of the steering wheel.

"It's okay. Other things on your mind. Your Mikey sensors are off kilter." Hunter lay a comforting hand on Brian's bunching biceps, over his leather jacket.

"Let's hope Michael's willing enough to accept our company... and allow us entry."

"You don't think he'd really kick us out? Or lock us from being able to get inside?"

Brian shook his head. For the first time, in a very long while, he had no idea what Michael's reaction was going to be. It felt like those first few years of their friendship, when he and Michael tested the waters... and the boundaries of their relationship. How close would either of them let the other and how much could they put up with, before making the other one crumble. "There's no telling what Michael's feeling right now. I say, to be on the safe side... we send Jenny in first."

Hunter scrunched up his face in confusion. "How do we exactly do that?"

"Watch... and be amazed. I have a few cunning tricks up my sleeve." Brian pulled up to the street Red Cape was on, pulling over to the other side where parking was available. He could see all the lights on in the store. He idled the engine for a bit, checking out the lay of the area, making sure no one was scoping out the establishment for vandalism or petty crime. "I think... I see him. I ought to beat his ass senseless for making himself a fuckin' target at nearly midnight, but he is old enough to be your father... so I guess..." He had no idea to the state Hunter was in as he'd contemplated Michael and how to exit the car.

"Shit!" Something had hit home in Hunter at this very moment. He slapped his hands over his eyes, hoping to stem the waterworks. "I fuckin' hate this crap! This... is the very reason I liked living on the streets! Damn!"

"Hey... hey... hey... there's no..." Brian knew this was traumatic for a young teen to handle. Brian and Michael had been doing this emotional roller coaster spiel for so long, they sometimes forgot how other people would take their oddities. "Michael is going to be fine. And so are you. It's okay to feel overwhelmed." He cleared his throat looking over at the illuminated store window. His own heart was racing at top speed. He was itching to see to his best friend... but he also knew that if Hunter wasn't alright, Michael would nag and worry. "We don't have to do this, you know. We can see him from here. We know he's there. He doesn't have to know we came. If it's too much... I can take you and Jenny back to the loft..." He stopped the engine, taking the keys out and playing with them in his hands.

"But you'll come right back here... to see to Michael, right? While Jenny and I are asleep?" Hunter was using his sleeves now, unable to stop the flow.

"Dude..." Brian's voice took on this new tone, one he'd been honing with Jenny. A very soothing paternal tone to his usually low timbered voice. "It's what I do best... and it's what I do... for him." He stated it as plainly as if it were a written law somewhere. "Everyone else can leave him be, but it's kind of... my job not to be the one like all the rest. He almost expects me to come find him."

"And you can't let him down." Hunter stated that fact as plain as day.

"Ever."

The inside of the Stingray was very quiet. Brian caught in his need to see Michael... and Hunter caught in his love for a man he used to NOT like, but had grown to love beyond even his feelings for Ben.

Ben was Ben, near to God-like, strong and reliable... But Ben wasn't here... and he never allowed people into his pain or his feelings like Michael did.

Michael was the man Hunter wanted to be most like. Because he was adaptable, yet not boring. Because he was comforting, but yet not smothering. Because he could be so angry at you one minute, but soon pull you into the most encompassing embrace you had no other recourse but to feel loved and cared for. That though you were finally on solid ground, you still had room to grow... and he'd be there by your side, encouraging you to be, and do, your best. Michael would climb treacherous mountains and slay fictional dragons... in order to make those he cared about, and loved, happy... sometimes sacrificing his own feelings and happiness.

Hunter had to chip away the ice around his young heart so he could achieve a master classmanship equal to Michael's. He knew it was in him to do, but it was the paths there that scared him. Overcoming fears and revisiting past hurts wasn't his cup of tea... and the very reason why he had remained a hustler on the streets. One had to run away somehow. So he'd done it, succeeded where most had failed or succumbed to the dark dreariness of solitude.

Ben had reached his hand down to Hunter... but Michael had been the one to risk his pride, his life... and eventually his heart, without any qualms or misgivings. Never once discrediting the fact that he'd do the same thing over and over again... expecting the same results of adding Hunter into his life.

Jenny even felt the somber mood and stopped her RAGE imitations and her jibber-jabber. She could see the shiny lights of the streets and the solid golden hue inside her father's store.

Brian felt uncomfortable in the silence, especially hearing Hunter try not to cry. "Son..." His hand almost made contact on the bony shoulder beside him as Hunter opened his door and began to slide out.

A sly smile wormed it's way through the tears and pain on Hunter's face. "Well... I'm not gonna make this my first time letting Michael down. Let's git in there!" He slammed the door, moving around to help Brian get Jenny out.

Brian eased out calmly, turning around to push back his seat to pick up Jenny in her car seat. He shook his head. "I really should think about getting a new car."

"An SUV?"

"Those friggin' gas guzzlers! No. Something more practical, economical... but still says... Brian Kinney." Brian stretched his hands out as if his name were on a marque.

"Dude... I don't think there's a car out there that exists like that. Have you tried a mini-van?"

Brian crinkled his brow in thought, hefting Jenny and her seat in his arms. He clicked his car alarm. "Does one exist that speaks my name?"

"Hey... I'm asking you."

They were making their way across the street, clearly neither aware of Michael watching them approach through his picture window covered in comics, painted and papered on the surface.

"Dude!" Hunter latched onto Brian's lapels, stopping him from moving further toward the front door. "How were you planin' on entering again?"

"Jenny first. Easy as pie... and we are SO in!!"

Hunter was standing barely near the door. If he stretched out his arms he could open the glass paneling. "Think it's locked?"

"Won't know if we don't try."

Hunter's fingers barely gripped the metal handle and the door opened, the bell above softly clanging by him trying not to make so much noise. He stopped when Brian's hand came down on his forearm. "Wha-? What's wrong!?"

"Close it!"

"Why? We're so close." Hunter whispered loudly.

Brian handed Jenny to Hunter as he walked a few feet down the sidewalk. "I'm fuming outside so that I don't walk in there and want to kick his ass." He ran his fingers through his hair, trying to vent what he was feeling right now. "I can't believe he'd just blatantly leave the fuckin' door unlocked to let two unknown assailants wander in!"

"But he knows us." Hunter pointed in between them. "And... there's a bell to announce when someone walks in, but we were trying to be quiet."  


Brian made his fingers in the shape of a gun. "Ring! Ding! Ding! Greetings, shopkeeper! Welcome to your freakin' nightmare!" He pointed his *gun nozzle* (Brian's index and middle finger) to Hunter's temple. "Now give me all your money before I blow your friggin' head off!" 

Hunter stared wide eyed at Brian's realistic portrayal of a sinister criminal. "Don't fuckin' scare Jenny like that, dude. It's not funny!" He spoke more as if HE was the frightened one, projecting onto Jenny.

Jenny was facing Brian and growled, doing her best RAGE impression.

Behind the three of them the door jangled open. A darkened raven-haired head popped out. "Would you two fuckin' get in here already before someone calls the cops! Weather forecast says rain, so make sure you bring Jenny in before she gets all wet. I don't want her getting sick on top of being already sick." Michael went back inside where it was warmer. The bell clanging again.

Brian turned to Hunter, Hunter looked up at Brian. Both blaming the other for the loud noises they were making.

Jenny continued to growl, liking the cool air on her hot face. She felt the first drop of moisture from the sky hit her cheek and giggled.

Brian and Hunter slowly paced themselves to enter Michael's store, completely apologetic, heads hanging low.

Brian entered first, his arms open wide like an errant messenger. "I come... bearing fruits..." He swung his arm in the direction behind him to Hunter and Jenny. "... of your loin."

Hunter rolled his eyes. "Nice one, ya' dick!"

Brian shrugged off his jacket, like he was planning on staying a few hours. "Right back atcha!" He proceeded to display what Hunter could *kiss* on his way over to Michael. He threw his jacket to hang over a comic book spinner rack. It wobbled as he passed. He rubbed his hands together, thoroughly enjoying the smells and heat inside Red Cape. "So... what are we doing?"

Michael was sitting on a stool behind the cashier counter, eating from a plastic container with a huge spoon and looking over his inventory on his computer screen. "Drone work. Monotonous bean counting for profit."

"Oooo... can anyone join in?" Brian sidled up to Michael's side, wrapping a loose arm about his shoulders. His hip connected with Michael's lower ribs. "My nipples are hard from your titillating retail speak. Wanna feel?" He directly turned his chest to Michael's face.

Michael pushed Brian away with his shoulder. He couldn't quite get over seeing Jenny so fresh and happy. Ready to dance and laugh, instead of puke and sob about nothing. He caught her gaze across the room and quirked his eyebrow for her, which sent her into riotous chuckles and holding her hands to her mouth.

Jenny liked seeing her father most of all and the anticipation of getting out of the confines of the car seat were outweighing her pleasure at seeing Michael.

Michael's eyes also darted toward Hunter who wouldn't look up from Jenny. He was downcast and somber, sniffling a bit here and there. Michael slid off the stool, dropped to his feet, planted them near Brian, rubbed the sloped back and hugged the thin body to him in thankfulness. His lips hummed from needing to kiss Brian senseless, but Hunter was here and wouldn't take kindly to Michael displaying that much affection with Ben leaving their lives soon.

Brian had known exactly what Michael needed at this moment.

Michael walked around the counter, stepping up to Hunter with caution. "You wanna help me get her out?" His arms were crossed over his chest, his steps putting him closer and closer to Hunter.

That unruly mane of blond/brown hair swung over Hunter's face, hiding his emotions.

"Sure." Hunter was all too eager to become busy, setting the car seat on the floor of the shop and working to free Jenny from her plastic belts. He continued to sniffle wiping at his nose and under his eyes. "I think she's feelin..."

Michael reached out to comb his fingers tenderly through the straight locks of Hunter's bent head. "It's okay, son."

Hunter immediately paused, his throat on a permanent choke mode. He buried his face in Jenny's free body, feeling her own little fist clamp onto his tangles. The scents, the warmth, the surrounding sounds of a familiar *home*... made him finally loose his cool. He was slowly learning that *home wasn't becoming a place anymore. No, not with Michael.

With Michael... *home* became a feeling inside your heart. The glowing, radiating warmth of love and acceptance, of kindness and light. Of having someone to run to for shelter and a friend when you needed a shoulder.

His knees cracking on his way down, Michael huddled over Hunter, cradling the young teen to his side and gently rocking him. "Sshhhh, it's okay to cry." He began to shed his own pent up tears. "Let it go or you'll hurt yourself more than you'd ever want to."

"Ben's really leaving?" Hunter murmured into Michael's shirt sleeve.

Jenny had no idea why all the men around her were crying, like she would usually be doing. She didn't like it. Didn't like it at all. She grabbed onto some of Hunter's hair tighter, trying to comfort in her own way.

Michael sniffed as he lifted his head and rubbed a soothing hand over Hunter's hunched back. "Yeah... he's taking an earlier flight than planned. Seems the spot he was promised opened sooner than he thought. We agreed it would be better for him to go when you and Jenny weren't around." He lay his cheek on Hunter's shoulder, staring off toward Brian, who was leaning against a wall, pinching his top lip to stop the quivering. "And... it's okay to be angry... and upset."

Two solid tears fell down Brian's cheeks at the show of emotional upheaval by the strongest teenager he had ever met that surpassed himself at this age.

Michael wanted Brian in his arms, along with Hunter. But he understood Brian's need to shed his own tears, in his own way, and come to him when he was ready.

"He was going to leave without even saying *g'bye*?" Hunter whined in his huddle with Michael as he was rocked into peace.

Michael shook his head, trying not to make it seem like Ben was the bad person. "Ben's got a whole shitload of pain to work through. He wouldn't have been able to deal..." He then listened to what Hunter said. "What do you mean *was*?" He brushed Hunter's hair back to kiss the skin on his forehead. He was startled to hear the scrape of Brian's boots on the flooring.

Brian cleared his throat, coming off the wall, tucking his hands in his pockets. "That's where we went first. To find you, Michael." He stepped closer to the Novotny clan huddle. Wanting to be a part of something very special unfolding. Mostly... wanting to be comforted the same as everyone else. He moved to sit down, Indian style, on the floor in front of Hunter and Michael.

Jenny made a noise to climb out of Hunter's arms and crawl towards Brian.

Hunter did as she wanted... letting her go... which renewed his own tears of having yet another person walk out of his life. He turned into the safety of Michael's willing embrace. His arms wrapping, solidly, about the small but strong frame to pull him close.

Michael cried softly, nodding his head in final understanding. "So you got to say goodbye."

"Yeah."

"Good. So did I."

Brian dragged Jenny into his arms, holding her high up on his chest so she could look down, and over, to her brother and father.

Her little arms reached out in her *gimme, gimme, gimme* move to bring in the family huddle around Brian.

"Jen... no..." Brian watched as Michael and Hunter broke apart to come up on either side of him. Hunter on his right with Jenny... and Michael tucked into his left, hugging his entire side closer than he really should of, in front of his kids.

Michael leaned his forehead to Brian's temple, his mouth an inch from the pink earlobe. "Accept it. It's who I am."

Brian closed his eyes, his head automatically turning to Michael's voice. "And it's who you turn everyone else into being, as well... you lovable freak of nature."

They accidentally rubbed noses, foreheads falling together.

Wetness glistening his warm brown eyes, Michael looked to the *Heavens* in his comic book store's roof, which leaked in certain places. "If there is a God up there... may he take a moment to reconsider his thoughts on how much I can handle... Enough already!"

A thunderclap sounded in afterthought as if in answer to Michael's comment.

"Amen!" Hunter and Brian echoed as one as they laughed within the circle they had created.

Michael reached cross Jenny, over Brian, to cup Hunter's pink cheek. "You're going to be alright, son. I'll see to that."

Hunter dipped his face into Michael's hands, wondering if a mother's touch felt just as soft and loving. His hand instinctively reached up to tenderly grip Michael's wrist. "Thank you, Michael."

"No... thank you." Michael then got up off the floor, slightly to buss Hunter's cheek. "One for you. And..." He straightened Jenny's shirt over her body, liking this area in the back of her neck she felt ticklish at. He kiss it and blew a *raspberry* on the skin. He shut his eyes at the sound of her giggling. "One for my baby girl!"

Michael sat back down, his sly smile sneaking out as he side glanced Brian, who seemed to be waiting for something. Like his own kiss... or something.

Hazel eyes slowly turned to melt into chocolate ones

Michael rubbed under his nose, scratching a place on his head. "What?"

Brian sighed, his head turned back to lean on top of Jenny's soft curls. "Nuthin'."

Michael knew a *pout* when he saw one.

Hunter got up on his knees. "Come, Jen-Jen. Let's go check out the cardboard cutout of RAGE... and you can show me more impressions." He got up to lift Jenny out of Brian's arms.

Brian wouldn't let Jenny go so quickly. "There's a bottle... in my jacket... if she gets hungry."

Hunter placed Jenny on his hip. "What about me?"

Brian's brow frowned in thought. "There might be a stick of gum in the inside pocket."

"Brian!" Michael smacked Brian's biceps. He looked over at Hunter, backing into the backroom where the storage was kept. "There's a mini-fridge back there, Hunter. Fully stocked."

"Cool." Hunter saluted and turned away.

Michael moved to sit in Brian's lap. "Jenny's doing impressions? How did this...?"

Brian grabbed Michael's jaw and kept him steady as he devoured his mouth into his own, claiming the kiss he'd never gotten. Also... showing Michael how much he was adored and wanted by someone else other than Ben. They broke apart to breathe, once or twice, but they still felt compelled to duel with one another, comparing the pressures of each other's lips against the other.

Michael locked his arm about Brian's neck, sinking into the strong and sturdy chest. "This isn't right."

"It feels right." Brian sent his hands up Michael's flanks to cup under his arm pits.

Michael stared down into those familiar hazel eyes he grown to love and desire to wake up to every morning. "Ben's not even gone yet."

"Said so yourself. Goodbyes were said." Brian reached up to nip at Michael's mouth. "It's just as good as being gone. You two are mourning the loss already. I'm just the lucky man who stayed behind."

Scraping his fingers through Brian's hair, Michael brushed the locks back from the beautiful face he'd matured with. "What are you doing? Better yet... what are we planning on doing?"

Brian dipped his head to bite at Michael's exposed neck muscles, moving down to his collar bone. "There seems to be an empty space... that needs filling... inside you..." He pressed his lips over Michael's rapidly beating heart. "I think I might know just the man who can take over the position."

"And exactly what... *position* does he have in mind?" Michael whispered into Brian's ear, licking the shape of the lobe.

Brian broke away for only a minute. "Did someone just turn up the heat?" He played like he had to peel his shirt off his flesh.

"It can get even hotter." Michael's lips were making their way back over to the full, bruised mouth opening for him.

"Promise?"

"You bet."

They kissed... slower... yet deeper.

"Easy." Michael breathed into Brian's mouth, reaching up to cup the sides of his face.

"I know you are."

Michael chuckled, caressing Brian's perspiring skin. "No... us... let's take things easy... slowly... gently. I can't rush you into something you might not want."

"Am I complaining?"

"That's 'cause I'm sitting on your lap, Brian."

"Well... I could get used to this.."

"Me sitting on your lap?"

Brian rolled his eyes, drawing Michael closer. "Sure... whatever, dude. I mean... This..." He tried to sweep his hand around to encompass Hunter and Jenny. "Something's been telling me... here." He took possession of Michael's hand and placed it over his chest. The fingers found the well-known heartbeat, beneath, of their own accord. "... that I've been missing out."

Michael shrugged off the comment. "We got past the difficult part. Now... it's just the *gravy*." He placed his head on Brian's shoulder, tucking his heated face into the warm neck. "How do you always seem to know when I need you? And what I need?"

"Because..." Brian rested his chin on top of Michael's head.

Michael was waiting for the rest. "Yeah...?"

"I do... and I'm the best at it."

"I'll say." Michael reached up a hand to pet at Brian's stubble. "Thank you."

Brian brought up his hand to grip Michael's. He placed a tender kiss on the fingers. "For whatever it's worth..."

"Yeah...?"

"I am sorry. I never wanted you to be hurt by all this." Brian had meant it only to be about Ben, but it really could encapsulate their entire friendship.

Michael brought their joined hands to his lips. "I know. You never do. You've always been my kind of hero." He settled his head back down to rest in Brian's arms. "Take me home."

"I will." Brian kissed Michael's forehead. He sighed feeling relaxed and eased in Michael's clutches, like always. "Later."

"Yeah... after the rain stops."

"Of course. After the rain stops."

The two friends shut their eyes to feel the warm presence of each other and soothe their souls into healing beyond whatever pain they were willing to free themselves from. They never had to vocalize what they would get out of one another, they just let their bodies take what they needed.

Right now... it was easier, and more powerful, just to hold one another and be silent.

**~~TBC...**


	5. Chapter 5

Brian never knew how they all made it back to the loft. The rain had turned into a torrential downpour as Brian handed Michael the keys to the Stingray and ordered he and Hunter to drive to the loft. Brian and Jenny would take a cab. 

Hunter and Michael decided they wouldn't abandon Brian and Jenny. They all waited, in the store, until the taxi cab showed up at the curb and they were soon on their way.

Brian had a few minutes to think about what might happen when he and Michael were alone. Or as alone as they could get with a teenager and a baby in their midst. He had no idea Ben would bow out THAT quickly. Shocked that the once Golden God was found lacking in stamina and staying power.

Yet again... one of Michael's lovers were finding him *lacking* in some capacity, not willing to admit their own fallacies. That THEY might be the one unable to cope with Michael in a committed relationship.

If Brian thought about it... he and Michael had some type of commitment, just invisible to the naked eye. The only thing that rang true in his mind was, through all the men... HE was the one that was still here.

The sting that cut the worst was that Ben was walking away... having placed a ring of blissful matrimony on Michael's finger. Michael had a difficult enough decision to make when Ben proposed. The quick decision to leave didn't sit well in Brian's belly. This spoke of something much more painful going on, with Ben, then he was willing to admit. Or, maybe, Ben had revealed some bad news to Michael tonight, without Hunter's knowledge, and wanted to slip away before they had to face his eventual death. Brian had known of a few instances when Ben purposefully kept Michael in the dark. Hopefully, a decision of this magnitude... Ben had tried to be as honest as he could.

Leaning his head against the questionably clean leather of the backseat of the cab, Brian watched Jenny, giving her his hand to play with. He had faced her backwards, in the seat, to sit directly looking at him. She didn't slobber all over him, this time. Instead, she just spread the digits apart, watching them against her own pale skin. She was fascinated by the simplest things. Just like her father.

Brian leaned over to place a kiss on Jenny's slightly moist brow, brushing back the raven curls.

Jenny chose to play with Brian's thumb and index finger, laying the rest of the hand on her belly. She sighed, looking to her left to watch all the lights go past. She looked ready for bed, ready to *clock out* for the day.

"You know what, JennyMine?" Brian whispered to her, in the quiet confines of their shared seating. His index finger moved about to skim across her flushed face.

Jenny's eyebrow raised as if hearing the inquiry. Her eye lids drooped for a second or two. Her tiny head lofting to the side. Those warm brown eyes zeroing on Brian's face. She appeared to be waiting for Brian to finish his comment.

"You got ME for life. I won't ever leave you." Brian squeezed her cheeks together between his fingers, making her puny lips pucker.

Jenny blew out some air, sounding like a childish bodily function. Her eyes shut at the soft touch to her face. She grabbed onto Brian's wrist, moving down to play with the shirt cuff and jacket sleeve.

Brian sunk down in the seat, lovingly chuckling at Jenny's crass humor. She was learning too much from him... or Hunter. He really couldn't tell the difference anymore. He was almost sad when the taxi pulled up next to his own Stingray. He saw Michael and Hunter sitting in the car, waiting for him to show up. He paid the driver way too much money, but waved off needing any change. He was feeling generous tonight. He took off his jacket to place it over Jenny to protect her from the rain.

Michael and Hunter were huddled under their own jackets, over their heads, watching as Brian hefted Jenny out of the backseat. Michael had the car keys, which was also where the loft keys hung. By the time they were all inside the loft's building, no one had any qualms about riding up in the elevator.

They rode in silence, each man contemplative about their futures.

Brian leaned on his right side, behind Michael, removing his jacket from over Jenny and setting her carseat on the floor. When his head dipped, once or twice, toward Michael, standing nearby, he inhaled his heady scent.

Good Christ! Is this what marital happiness consisted of? Constantly being horny, but two steps away from being detrimental to young, innocent eyes?

Michael slid his hands into his jacket pockets. He felt like leaning back on Brian, getting a simple pleasure from his nearness in the ride up the elevator, but Hunter was within a certain distance that unnerved him.

Hunter knew Brian and Michael were close. It was only more recently, with Jenny's birth, that he actually saw the potential in them as a couple. Something had changed between them. Not moving apart, but coming closer than ever. Problem being, though they were horny as all hell for one another, they couldn't act on that feeling. Too many wandering eyes.

Hunter's first clue, as they exited the elevator, was Brian handing over Jenny's carseat to Michael, snatching the loft's door keys for himself. The two hands that met, lingered for too long, held for a split second of time that made it seem like more of a reassurance than just an accidental brush of skin.

The next clue was when Brian finally unlocked the door. Michael had figured the metal would easily slide open, but Brian hesitated. Michael's chest bumped Brian's back. Michael's empty hand reached out to latch onto Brian's shirt hem, fingertips finding their way under the material to caress naked skin. They savored the nearness, fearing they wouldn't get a moment to have, like this, once they walked inside the loft.

Brian opened the door further, making a bee-line for the bedroom area, while Michael held back for a few minutes, needing to talk with Hunter.

As Hunter nudged past Michael, nicking his knee on Jenny's plastic carseat, he elbowed the shoulder near him. "Jus' tell me when you need me to put on my earphones, dude." He tried to whisper, just between him and Michael, but it failed miserably. "I can pretend like I'm not even here. Won't hear a peep outta me."

"Hunter! Please!" Michael became all parental quite quickly. One look at Brian, soaked to the bone and undressing in the bedroom caused him to rethink Hunter's offer. He grabbed for Hunter's arm before he walked on by. "Keep all eyes and ears open. I might ask that of you... later."

"Ask what?" Brian naively inquired, quietly strolling over to collect Jenny as he wandered about in his tight, wet jeans, with no shirt on. "You can have the shower first, Hunter."

Hunter was already there, having grabbed up his overnight bag. "Great minds think alike."

Brian set down Jenny on the coffee table to free her. He continued to talk to Hunter, making sure he heard him in the bedroom. "Don't bother with your bag. There's a set of old sweats on the corner of my bed."

Hunter popped his head out of the open doorway. "What about underwear?" He didn't see any in the pile of clothes.

Brian stood straight, giving Hunter a quizzical look. "You wear underwear to bed?"

"Don't you?" Hunter realized WHO he was asking, then shut his mouth. He quickly decided he could do with the ones he had on, just re-wash them in the sink. As he threw down his bag, making his way into the bathroom, he leafed through the sweats to find Brian had slipped him a decent pair of underwear. "You fuckin' rock, dude!" He went into the bathroom, picking things up in his arms.

"I have to agree there." Michael moved to sit on the coffee table, somewhere behind Jenny's carseat. "Where are you getting this?"

Brian had been making faces and noises at Jenny as he bent down, on his knees, to unlatch the buckles. "Getting what?" He dipped his head to press a light, airy kiss on Jenny's out-reaching hand, then proceeded to gum it with his lips.

Jenny giggled, and wiggled, with glee.

Brian smirked, then stilled as he felt Michael's fingers comb through his mussed, drenched locks. He shut his eyes at the pure ecstasy the tender gesture made him feel.

"This... very UN-Kinney paternal behavior."

"Have to break the cycle somewhere, Mikey."

"Believe me. I'm not complaining. I think it makes you look... sexier, if that's even possible."

Brian was doubtful, but from the way Michael's eyes nearly devoured him, he just might find a way to believe it. "How much... sexier?" He didn't even dare look at Michael for the answer.

Like Brian had to ask.

Michael fell to his own knees, shuffled over and gently tackled Brian to the hardwood floor, pinning him to the smooth, cool surface. "If Jenny weren't watching and Hunter weren't just in the other room... I'd..."

"What?" Brian let out the most unnatural smile, pretending to fight against Michael's grip.

Michael had to pause and take a deep breath. Looking down into those laughing hazel eyes, he saw yet another reason to find his best friend breathtakingly beautiful.

Brian frowned up at Michael. "You okay?"

Michael slowly nodded his head. "Never been better. I'm only coming to the conclusion that... I just quite possibly love you more now, at this very moment, than ever before."

Brian was silent. He found it hard to swallow and speak. "Just THIS moment?" He sounded saddened, like he hoped the *love* would go on forever, into infinity.

"Explain something to me... I never saw you act this way with Gus. What gives?" Michael straddled Brian's hips, squeezing the joints between his knees.

"Jenny's... special." When Brian noticed the confused look cross Michael's face, he rolled his eyes. He hated having to go into specific details about why he felt a certain way. "Jenny's..."

Michael was getting too antsy. "Yeah?"

"You."

Michael wasn't expecting the quick action from Brian. Freeing his hands, flipping them over on the floor. "Excuse me?" He forgot he was the one pinned to the floor now, staring up in stunned silence at the familiar features gazing down at him.

Brian lay his chest along Michael's. He bent his elbow and placed it near Michael's head on the floor. Resting his face on the hand, he picked up his other hand and caressed Michael's cheeks, the red-button nose and those full, pink lips that begged to be smothered. "Though she's a baby, she's got the best of you. Everything I lov-... admire greatly. Granted there's some of Melanie in there, too, but I haven't seen Jenny do one mannerism that hasn't reminded me of you." He began to trace the eyebrows, brushing back the ebony waves from the pale forehead. "I kind of get this *kink* of envisioning you as a baby." He rearranged himself to hover over Michael's face, brushing the backs of his knuckles down Michael's flushed cheeks. He felt the nimble fingers move from between their smushed chests to trail around his flanks and end up, center, at the slope of his tail bone. His nose lightly brushed Michael's, his breath one millimeter from entering Michael's opening mouth. "I would have liked meeting you... as a toddler."

Michael put up a hand on Brian's shoulder to hold him back from the kiss they'd both been thinking about completing. "Little Mikey and his Bri-Bri?"

Brian couldn't help but snicker at the idea of them at the Terrible Two stage, at some day care center on Liberty Avenue. Their nap time consisting of little fleece bedtime blankets of Incredible Hulk, Superman or Spiderman, with a light snack of oatmeal raisin, or chocolate chip chunk, cookies and cartons of chocolate milk, bonding quickly like they had at fourteen. He tilted his head so his nose swept over Michael's eyelashes. "I'm gonna love it when you have a son."

"Uh... I already have a *son*." Michael gulped from the *full* meaning. This permanent talk of Brian's always scared him. He had no way of knowing if he was serious or simply pulling his leg.

Brian shook his head. His fly away hair... flying about. "I'm talking about the one we'll have... you know... later..."

Michael's brow furrowed as he was sucked into Brian's gaze and kiss. "Wha-?" He could barely catch his breath. "Oh... God!" He felt Brian's knee spread his thighs apart, methodically wanting entrance. His grip tightened on Brian's shoulders, wanting to push away, but delighting in pulling his sweetest temptation deeper.

"OH MY GAWD!! Would you two get a room already??!!" Hunter covered his eyes, but it was a lousy job. He could see through his spread fingers, peeking occasionally.

Michael arched his neck to look at Hunter upside down. "It's not what you think."

Hunter squinted his eyes, looking at how close Brian's face was to Michael's, their groins practically melting as one and their legs entwined like two baked pretzels. "Uh-Yeah... uh-huh... okay..." He strolled over to his made up campground on the living room floor.

Michael squirmed for freedom. "Let me up, Brian."

Brian growled his displeasure, giving Hunter a discouraging side-glance. He gave Michael another deep, sexually drenched kiss, then quickly rolled off, springing into action to pick up Jenny. "I'll get the wee one ready for bed... put her in the crib. Did you want the shower first, Michael?" He said this while on his way into the bedroom, looking over Jenny's head on his shoulder.

"Yeah... I'll be right there." Michael peeled off his wet jacket, yanking the moist material off his body. He closely watched Hunter prepare his little sleeping area. "We'll get a couch soon. I'll buy one if Brian doesn't."

Hunter plumped the pillows before he lay back in the plushness, tucking himself under the down-feather sleeping bag. "I'll be fine, Michael. This kinda stuff beats sleeping on a sewer grate on the street any night. It's kind of cathartic sometimes, grounds me... literally AND figuratively." He reached over to pull out his CD/MP3 player, fixing the attached headphones on his ears.

Michael sat down, at Hunter's side, Indian style. "You know, no matter what happens, I do still love Ben, in my own way. I can't stop it because he's chosen to leave me." He shook his head at the stupidity he felt like he always displayed. "I know Ben has a lot of shit to deal with... so I tend to cut him some extra slack." He placed a tender hand on Hunter's forearm. "Though it looks as if I'm abandoning Ben, I'm not. I'm, sort of, coping... seeing what's going on with the rest of my life. I will always be here for you and Jenny. I'd never just up and leave either of you two." His fingers squeezed the firm muscles. "We're family, right?"

Hunter tried to concentrate on selecting his musical tastes for tonight. He'd be wearing his headphones for most of it, blocking out strange and perverse noises in the distance. "And family sticks together, I thought. It's much harder to stay and fight for something important than to run away and claim you're trying to *fix* whatever might be broken, inside or out. YOU taught me that. He can go to Timbuck-fuckin`-two for all I care. He's still gonna be sick, like me, and having to take his meds, like me... and feeling shitty, like me. He can no more run from his past than he can from what's inside of him, Michael. Being all pious and mightily spiritual won't make his death any easier. He'll be more alone than he even imagined. I wish you wouldn't put him on some freakin' pedestal, like he's some iconic God to be adored and gawked at. He's human... faults, warts and all. I can still love somebody, but hate what they're doing. I still love my Mom, because she'll always be my Mom. Doesn't mean I have to like what she did to me... you know?"

Michael brushed his fingers through the wet locks slicked back on Hunter's head. "You really still think about her?"

"Every day, dude. Every time I close my eyes. I wish..."

Michael's hands soothed Hunter's rosy cheek. "She'd have been the mother you dreamed of having?" He knew exactly what Hunter meant.

Hunter wished for a moment alone, in the dark. Some secret place, under the covers where he could just weep quietly. "Not just that, but aware of ME... as a living, breathing person who has feelings. Not a commodity she can make money off of." He decided to change the subject, quick, before he caved into Michael's arms again. "Is there something your Mom ever did to you... that you wish you could change?" Hunter was thinking about his own situation. The day he accepted his own mother's offer of *tricking* for her... to pay for rent and food.

Michael quirked up a side of his mouth, his gaze following Brian's pacing in the bedroom. Naked chest, jean clad willowy form wandering about in bare feet. Was there anything more mouth-watering sexy, to him alone, than Brian... holding Jenny in his arms? "Yeah... too many to count right now. But one moment comes to mind." He turned back to look at Hunter. He opened up a Pandora's box of curiosity from the young teen. "Two things... and then I'll let you go. My old childhood bedroom... picture of Patrick Swayze..." Michael left it at that. "That's all I can reveal at this juncture!!"

"Oooo... you wouldn't be so cruel... would you?" Hunter saw how *mum* Michael was becoming, but the way his eyes were eating up Brian in the next room... his imagination could take him places Michael wouldn't. "You know... you don't have to hold my hand until I fall asleep, reading me bedtime stories. That's what you got Jen for."

Michael crawled to his knees, leaning over to buss Hunter's forehead. "You know... you'll always be our son. Nothing will change that. You will always have a home with me."

Hunter shut his eyes in agony. He didn't need to hear that right now. He patted Michael's shoulder. "I do know... and thanks." He was too choked up to say much more. He tried to push Michael to get up off his lazy ass. "Now would you go tend to Brian! And *git your freak on*, man!!"

Michael was a little shocked by Hunter's wording. "You actually wouldn't mind... if Brian and I...?"

"Dude... you're not serious? You and Brian have been *ON* since... oh, lord, since I've known you two. I'm surprised you haven't *tapped that ass* by now."

Michael lovingly shoved Hunter, pinching his cheek. "Darlin'... MY ass would be the one bein' *tapped*!!"

"Whoa!!" Hunter blushed, closed his eyes tightly, covering his delicate ears. "My fragile mind can't take much more!! Too Much Information, dude!!"

"G'night, honey." Michael teased, getting up off his knees.

"Night, sweet cheeks!" Hunter shot back as he covered his head with the slack of his sleeping bag, his music raring to go.

Michael laughed as he climbed the two steps. He crossed his arms to reach down for the hem of his t-shirt to pull it up over his body and eventually his head. But he stopped by the picture displayed before him.

Brian had plopped down on the bed, Jenny sitting forward in his lap. They both seemed to be waiting for Michael. Brian had crossed his ankles, picking at Jenny's wispy curls in the back of her head, fixing them into some style. Jenny had a hold of something, probably something of Brian's she coveted.

Michael knew his daughter didn't favor Brian's possessions because she loved HIM best. No... everything of Brian's always smelled good, had his musky scent on it or his expensive brand of cologne.

"Did I hear mention of your *ass* out there?" Brian asked in nonchalance, almost ready to tease Michael unmercilessly.

"Yes." Michael pulled off his shirt, moving toward the area of Brian's closet they sectioned off for his clothing. He tugged down a clean, dry t-shirt. "Could we please tone down the conversation with my daughter in the room?"

"What did I say?"

"I know you. You're two seconds away from a bajillion sexual innuendos."

"I happen to find your ass one of my favorite things about you. And it doesn't have to be naked for me to enjoy it."

"How refreshing." Michael paced to the dresser, he shared with Brian, yanking open drawers to find his cotton drawstring gym shorts.

"Michael..."

"What?"

"You're gonna actually dress for bed?"

"Brian... we can't..." Michael turned to find Brian holding up a hand for him to be silent. He leaned back against the wooden structure to wait for Brian's next move.

Brian got up from the bed to place Jenny in her crib, raising up the side bar section. He made sure she was covered properly and comfortable.

Jenny was too intent on whatever she had in her hand to be interested in being left alone in her crib.

Michael tried to stand on his tip toes to peek into the crib to see what the hell Brian had given Jenny. It looked familiar to him. "Brian... what did you give he-...?!"

Too late... Michael was being dragged, by his hand, into the bathroom.

Brian quickly moved into the shower to turn it on, blocking out any loud words they might use. He left Michael in the middle of the tiled floor. He placed his dry, clean clothes on the sink counter.

Michael scrunched up his brow in wonder. "You gonna shower first?"

Brian quickly maneuvered about to slide the bathroom door shut. He stood, staring under his lids at Michael. His chest heaved slightly from exertion, hands on hips.

Michael took the silence and the hungry look to Brian's eyes as a different offer. "You wanna shower... together?"

As if both men hadn't thought of that idea, they perked up with secret smirks on their lips. They gazed intensely at one another across the room.

"Brian..."

"Michael..."

The moment was too priceless to miss. They raced to find out who could undress the quickest, making it into the shower stall before the other one slammed the door on the loser's face.

Though Brian was halfway there... his jean leg got adhered to his skin. It was tough to kick off the thick material.

Michael had him beat on swiftness and flexible ability.

They both tried to squeeze into the doorway, cracking each other up, slipping and sliding on the tiled soapy floor of the shower.

Totally bare-assed naked, Michael proudly stood on HIS side of the shower. "You stay there... I'll stay here. I think we can be done shortly. In and out."

Brian threw Michael a bar of soap and washcloth. "Don't say that. Because I can't respond with anything but *yes*. You said so, yourself... NO sexual innuendos tonight." He chose to shampoo his hair first, while Michael lathered his own body. Then they'd trade off.

Platonically taking a shower together was... even more erotic than taking one while washing the other's body... Brian and Michael were finding out. Not much showering was going on because they both paused, mid-movement to watch the other. Then they'd lick their lips, eyes meeting and trying NOT to head on down the rest of the pleasantly naked forms of one another.

"Where did you get that scar?" Brian asked pointing to a moon shaped cut along the rounded upper curve of Michael's left ass cheek.

"Wha-? Where?" Michael looked behind him, as if he'd find the scar had fallen onto the shower floor.

Brian slid over to Michael, grabbing the delicate hips in his palms, making him face backwards. His soapy finger traced the perfectly shaped scar. He bit at his bottom lip as the simple touch to Michael's butt made the fleshy parts jiggle. Dear God... the temptation to squeeze them was too much. "Here, Mikey." It was so wrong to be near him, like this. Smelling the clean lathered soap bubbles, the tangy shampoo drizzling out of his ebony hair.

Michael felt the hot breath on his neck, the soft bristles of Brian's hair as he dipped his head to point out the old scar. "Oh. That?" He rubbed the shampoo in his own hair. He shrugged his shoulders. "I got that when I was hit by the bus on your bike."

Brian stood stiff, glaring down at the dark head bending under the spray of water. "Michael... you said the bus barely nicked you, though my bike was fucking wrecked. You told me it barely scraped past. The bike got the brunt of everything. You walked away unharmed. I saw you."

"I figured it was when the metal cut into the seat. Couldn't get my ass off fast enough, I guess. I didn't find it until the morning. Mom took me to the ER. We didn't think you needed to know. The accident seemed over-n-done with once you saw your bike. All I remember was you reamed me out for being late for school... and about ruining your precious bike. So, by then, I didn't think you'd care about me much... then I just forgot after that." Michael stopped wringing out his hair, caught up in some random thought. "And why do you always want to say we met in the seventh grade? We were fourteen when we met... that's usually eighth grade." He sucked in a sharp breath as he felt Brian's arms encircle him from behind, coming to meet at his abdomen and placing pressure on the solid muscle.

Brian tucked his face on Michael's shoulder, turning his mouth to rest against the pink earlobe. "I never told you..."

"About what?" Michael's brow furrowed in bewilderment.

"I had seen you."

"Do what? Where? In your dreams?" Michael squeezed Brian's arms about him tighter.

"Well... sometimes." Brian shook his head to clear his mind of dirty, raunchy thoughts. "No, I saw you in the halls... a year before we *officially* met." Brian brought his head up to rest along Michael's hair. "You were so cute. Adorable, like you always are to me... and always will be. I confuse the story because, I wanted to be your friend then, quite desperately."

"Why?" Michael only remembered how geeky and gawky he looked, nothing cute about that.

Brian leaned his forehead on the back curve of Michael's neck, inhaling the wafting smells about them and the steam from the shower. "You never stopped laughing. Making jokes or trying to get someone to smile, crack a grin. And... you had this way of blushing that just drove me..." His legs nearly felt like jelly as he dipped back into Michael's body.

"Brian..." Michael had a hold of one of Brian's arms, staring down at the crook of his elbow.

"Yeah, Mikey."

"Where did you get this?" Michael tried to look at the bruised area, on Brian's inner arm, in the terrible shower lighting.

Brian stared down with drowsy eyes at what Michael had discovered. "That's where they give me my chemo."

Michael flipped in Brian's embrace. Now he was facing him, gazing up at the hazel eyes. "Injections? When?"

"Two weeks ago. Subcutaneous injections, above the muscles. They're teaching me how to administer them to myself. A few trial runs and then I'll have a license to have free reign on myself." Brian noticed the inquisitive eyes of Michael's, trying to gather any, and all, information. "It's a new medicine the Doc wants me to try for awhile. He'll check my blood levels on my next visit."

"Which is when?" Michael raised a quizzical eyebrow.

"Tomorrow."

Michael shoved Brian's shoulder. "Were you ever gonna tell me?!"

"I'm telling you now."

"That's not the point. Why must everyone assume I'm not so bright about the ways of the world... or that I have no room to be compassionate anymore, treating me like I'm a fragile piece of glass."

"Hey! I'm not everyone. I just... it was a little daunting to talk to you with Ben hanging over your shoulder. How am I suppose to think you'd still care about me when you have a life of your own? A marriage. And a family. Where do I fit in?" Brian suddenly became harshly defensive for himself. "I can't run screaming into your arms all the time, Mikey."

"We're still best friends, though. THAT will never change for me." Michael moved under the shower spray, again, dousing his head with hot water. "You seem to have forgotten what's happened in the last 24hrs. Or need I remind you?" Red, watery chocolate eyes bore into Brian's face as he quietly walked out from the shower to grab for a big fluffy towel. He bent his head over to try and dry his hair, but found the towel snatched from his hands.

Brian took over the job, starting with the dark hair, causing it to frizz about Michael's head. Then he trailed down Michael's soaked body, keeping private areas covered. "I'm sorry. I'm a bastard."

"No. You're being honest." Michael reached out to grip onto Brian's shoulders for balance. "I had a lot on my plate. I just... I didn't mean to leave you out of the equation. Make you feel like you had no one to go to. Like I wouldn't care. You've always been a part of my life. A very integral part of my world. When I found out how sick you'd been, while I was mourning Vic and trying to help Ma... I thought I'd..." He could barely say the rest of what he wanted.

Brian swept them both in the towel, hugging Michael to his warm body. "I know, Mikey. You don't need to say a word. I was there." This is how he'd wanted to hold Michael, once arriving at the Novotny house, after learning of Vic's passing. His arms crossing behind Michael's back, pinning him to his chest. If he could have had the guts to do this right in front of Professor Pole-Up-His-Ass Bruckner, so much the better. The *naked* part was just a unexpected formality. He felt the dry sob on his chest. "It's okay, Michael. I miss him, too." He dipped his head to kiss Michael's shoulder, burying his lips on Michael's neck.

"I need him. I never knew how much until he was gone. I need him now more than ever. I need his words of infinite wisdom, his charm and his witty humor to guide me somewhere. I feel lost." Michael knew only Brian would understand the huge loss in his heart of Uncle Vic.

"I wish I knew what to tell you, but... I'm afraid to say... I'm right there with you." Brian rubbed the side of his face against Michael's. "I saw him... before, during and after." He wouldn't let go of Michael. Fear of one look in his face, he'd crumble in his arms, an emotional wreck. He had to get this out.

"What do you mean?" Michael wanted to look at Brian's face, but he wouldn't loosen his hold. So he simply wrapped his arms around Brian, soothing the soft skin of the wide back.

"Vic. He was there... with me."

Michael was silent, almost too silent. He bowed his head as he took in what Brian was trying to tell him. "Uncle Vic helped you get through everything? The surgery... the chemo and radiation?" He felt Brian's head nod against his own. "When I couldn't be there..." He just stated it as fact, truly shocked that Brian would admit to something so spiritually centered.

Brian didn't want Michael to get upset, feel angry that he couldn't be *everything* in his life. "Please don't beat yourself up. Look where you are now?" He arched a bit back to look at Michael. "That's what matters the most to me. You've always said the past is nothing to look forward to... and I'd like to think that still stands."

Michael stared oddly at Brian. "I told you that when we were like... sophomores. How can you recall stupid words I say to make you laugh... when you forgot every trick's name that crossed your path for decades?"

"Selective hearing?" Brian tested to see if Michael took the bait. "Bad memory? Short term memory?" He sighed at running out of answers. "I hang on your every word?"

Michael stopped shaking his head *no* at that one. He smiled sweetly. "That's kind of you."

Brian resettled his feet to spread them a bit to pull Michael in between his legs. "Right now... I'm feeling anything but kind... toward you..."

Michael felt the brush of Brian's erect cock against his upper thigh. "Yup. I'll have to second that observation."

Brian dipped his head. "We can still do it." He breathed his request against Michael's lips.

"Do what?" Michael feigned stupidity.

Brian let the towel drop from around them, reaching down to heft Michael, pulling his leg up around his hip bone. "Climb aboard?"

Michael was shaking his head to decline, though he'd love to be carried this way. "I'm too heavy, Brian. You might get weak or..."

Too late, Brian lifted Michael up to circle his legs about his waist. "I'm stronger than I've ever been, Mikey. Shut up and kiss me."

Michael wrapped his arms about Brian's neck, sinking down in pure fervor for the moment. His arms locked about Brian, more for closeness than anything else. On the downward slope, he did as Brian ordered, feeling the added pressure of tongue and teeth forcing their way inside his mouth. He opened up, tilting his head to allow for deeper kissing.

Brian slowly carried Michael out into the bedroom shrouded in complete darkness. He lay him on his back to gaze down at the pale beauty in the moonlight. "Do you like the lights on?" His hands smoothed down Michael's body as he stood in the center of Michael's legs, wrapped around him. He wanted to fall, right on top of Michael, but he feared crushing him with his rough eagerness.

Michael was a man who enjoyed foreplay, not a quick fuck in the dark. Brian was determined to see Michael get what he wanted.

Michael didn't like Brian being so far away. He needed him laying on top of him, making him breathless and overheated. "In the dark is better."

"Considering the state we're in... the situation we have, I'd say darkness, right about now, would be a good thing." Brian knelt down to slowly lower his torso onto Michael's.

"I have one problem." Michael saw Brian lift an eyebrow to glance down at their joined crotches. "Not THAT kind of problem."

"Sorry." Brian was shattered, caught staring at their bodies. "This is fascinating to look at."

"Oh?" Michael sounded way too curious.

"How perfect we fit, together." Brian's hips thrust toward Michael's. His hands trailed up Michael's sides. "The way your body looks, laying right under me." His hand reached down to caress a pelvic/hip bone. "The curve of your hip." Then it sunk down, around Michael's thigh that hooked over Brian's hip. "The power of your thigh. The feel of your skin." His fingers flew over the expanse of bare skin at his mercy. His leg slid along Michael's ankle and calf. "The tickle of little hairs on your legs brushing mine..."

How could imagery, alone, make Michael come? Had to be Brian, his tone of voice and that undeniable sexual charm.

"Okay. You can stare all you want." Michael sighed allowing Brian free reign over his body.

"Michael..." Brian's fingers were already on their way down, to squeeze in between their blended bodies. "... do you mind if I touch you?" He whispered the question against Michael's neck, nipping and biting at the sensitive flesh.

"GAWD! Yes!!" Michael drew up his arms to lay akimbo on the sheets. They still had Brian's scent on them. They still had a bit of the decadence of Brian's naked body shrouded by them when he was asleep. He closed his eyes to let himself go... to what Brian felt compelled to do to him. The freedom to trust someone so implicitly with his body... his soul... and his heart.

Brian's hand encircled Michael's length. He shut his own eyes at how bittersweet this moment was becoming for him. His greatest desire, his longtime fantasy being fulfilled. Michael sighing and letting out little moans under him, reacting to him the way he always dreamed. The hardness of Michael being only because of his simple touch, the nearness of him and the way he could make Michael feel by mere words. That was the kind of control Brian wished he had over Michael, but what to do with him once he had him, in this position, was becoming less clear by the minute.

What had taken them so long to get here?

And... why was Brian so scared? Afraid to make the next move?

**~~TBC...**


	6. Chapter 6

"What's wrong?" Michael watched as Brian's face went still, his eyes trying to focus and his skin changing from completely white to the palest pink. "Brian..." He sat up, reaching out to cup Brian's cheek. "Talk to me. What is it?" He could feel a sheen of moisture collect on Brian's flesh that wasn't from the shower. 

Brian zoned out for a bit, before he came back to hearing Michael call his name, touching his face so tenderly. "Huh... Wha-? I'm sorry." He shook his head, wondering himself where he'd gone to. He lightly snickered at the state he'd been found in. "Funny, I've had this medicine in me for two weeks... and it chooses NOW to show it's usual side effects."

"Which are?" Michael slung his arm about Brian's waist to drag him toward the head of the bed, where the pillows were. He just wanted to make sure Brian wasn't going to pass out on him. That wouldn't be a good start to his *first time* with Brian. Not much glory in a forfeit.

"Dizziness, nausea and vomiting, cramping, vertigo, lightheadedness ... uh..." Brian had closed his lids in order to remember the long shopping list of *possible* side effects. "Perspiration... heart palpitations..."

Michael covered his hand over Brian's mouth as he made him rest back amongst the pillows. "Enough! Christ! You should have said something to me when you carried me to the bed." He moved to reach for the light linen sheets to cover Brian and him up. He bent his elbow to rest his cheek on and lay higher on the mattress than Brian, watching him closely. He combed back the mahogany locks from his forehead, gently brushing the flushed skin on Brian's face.

"It didn't hit me then... it hit me now. I felt fine in the bathroom. I don't know what came over me." Brian tried a new breathing method he'd fashioned for himself in order to cope with unexpected bouts of nausea and cramping, to lessen the need to vomit every time. He turned his head into Michael's simple touches. This was what he craved for himself while he'd been facing the cancer. Someone to just *be* there to soothe him through the tough waters. Someone to be there who felt no obligations, wanting to be beside him without being asked. "I'm sorry. It's not you, Michael." He gripped Michael's wrist, pulling back to lightly kiss the palm.

"Well... maybe it is... in a round about way, Brian."

"Excuse me?" Brian opened his eyes to stare at Michael.

"Think about it. Two weeks on this medicine and you've been fine. Keeping stress out of your life. Then now... today... tonight... it's understandable."

"You're not stressful, Mikey."

"I didn't say I was. The situation we are in is stressful."

"No. It's not."

"Brian... go to sleep."

Brian pretended to pout, feeling like he missed his *moment* with Michael. "But my tummy still hurts."

"Did you buy any ginger ale or seltzer water when you shopped last?" Michael was already crab-crawling off the bed. He headed into the bathroom to pick up his shorts, but he didn't put on his t-shirt. He threw that back on the bed.

"I can't recall. I have some bottled water in there." Brian turned on his side, pulling the blankets up under his chin. He was gonna soak up all the tender loving care Michael felt like administering to him.

"I need to give you something fizzy, Brian. You need carbonation. It will settle your stomach. Water will just make you throat up." Michael walked away to check out what was in the fridge. Once he found what he needed, he pulled out a bottle of water only to make Brian happy. All they had to do was settle Brian's stomach with the carbonation first. As he made his way back to the bedroom, he opened the mini-bottle of ginger ale. "Here. Drink this." He set the bottled water on Brian's night stand, while handing him the other drink. "Don't gulp it down. Just take sips for now." He turned on the low lighting.

Brian sat up, back against his pillows. "Thanks, Doctor Mikey." When he felt Michael's hands ruffle his hair, he rolled his eyes. Damn! What a way to end a night alone, somewhat, with Michael. "I'm sorry." He apologized again when he watched Michael move toward Jenny's crib.

"Stop apologizing for something that wasn't under your control. There'll be other nights. We can plan it better than having to worry about the children catching us." Michael stood at the crib side, reaching down to play with Jenny's bare feet. "I've never seen that toy before, Brian. Where did you get it?" It was an interesting thing to look at.

Jenny had been occupied by it for hours now.

"I didn't. I made it."

"You what?"

Brian sat up straighter in bed, feeling the nausea dissipate. "Bring her here."

"She must be tired. Let her sleep."

"She's my model, Michael. If I don't show her with the toy... it makes no sense. My playing with it looks dumb." Brian put down the little bottle of ginger ale, beside the water. He held out his hands for Jenny.

Michael carried her over, holding her out for Brian to take. "Do your thang. Mr. Mom." He crawled back across the bed to his designated side and sat Indian style on the mattress. He couldn't wait to see what Brian had in store for him.

Brian turned on his side, setting Jenny down in between he and Michael. "Okay... watch." He turned a piece of the toy to go one way, then another, until he messed up the pictures on the side of the perfectly square box.

Jenny made some unconventional noises, like she was upset by what Brian had done. He handed it back to Jenny, who promptly reversed every turn Brian had made, completely bringing the pictures back to normal.

Michael stared in wonder and amazement. "She's fuckin' brilliant. How did you make her do that??!!"

Brian couldn't take the toy out of Jenny's hands or she'd, literally, growl at him... so he swiveled her to face Michael. "See the sides. The pictures are very crude now. My own drawings. They need to be simple and bright... or else she won't know how they fit back together." He used his index finger to point out the thick Sharpie marker drawings. "You have to make it pleasing to a child's eye or they'll lose interest."

"She's hasn't let go of it since you gave it to her. I'd say you had a big seller on your hands. Is this for a new client?"

"No." Brian shook his head, gazing down at Jenny in awe. He brushed back her curls. "I found this when I went for the crib, lost somewhere in a box of my old toys.

Michael's eyes squinted as he began to recognize what Jenny actually held in her hand. "That's an old Rubix cube, Brian."

Brian hit his finger on Jenny and his nose. "BINGO!! I wondered when you would figure it out."

Michael bent his face to sink to Jenny's eye level, hoping she'd loosen her grip on the toy. "Jen, can Daddy see what you have? I'll give it back to you when I'm done."

Jenny paused, looking at similar chocolate eyes. She couldn't NOT obey him. Especially when he looked at her so lovingly, ten seconds from a good laugh or a quick tickle. She sighed, handing the square over, not so willingly. Her eyes never left the object from Michael's grasp. She sat back on her crinkly diaper, wondering when her father would be done with it. She was missing the toy already.

Michael turned the square over in his hands. He couldn't believe what Brian had done. Such a simple object could transfix a young baby so effortlessly. Not only was Jenny smart, but Brian was just as brilliant. "What did you do it for?"

"I've had a lot of time, waiting with her. Watching other mothers and fathers unable to contain their children. Babies especially. They seem fascinated by unusual things, yet not as unusual as you would think. Every once and awhile I'd give her something different to play with until I handed her your old Rubix cube."

"MY Rubix cube?! How do you...?" Michael wanted to know how Brian had known it had been his, when he rolled over one particular area and found his name inked on one square. All it said was, *Mikey*, in very childishly scrawled letters. "Never mind. Did you take anymore of my stuff?"

"No fair. You always told me, `What's mine is yours, Brian. Take what you want.' " Brian inched up behind Jenny to pull her back against his chest. He wasn't sure if she'd attack her own father for her new toy or not. He had no idea she'd become so possessive.

"If I recall... that was when you constantly stayed overnight needing clothes." Michael tried to play with the box, but he couldn't seem to figure it out. All the blocks and picture squares were messed up beyond repair.

Jenny wanted escape. Michael wasn't doing it right. She wanted to fix the pictures to look pretty again.

"Uh-oh... I think I've created a monster. Like a Cabbage Patch doll... or a Furbie... or, worse, a Tamagoochi. She's addicted." Brian had to chuckle. It was too cute. He glanced over at Michael who had placed the square on the bed for Jenny to come get. Once Brian released her, she was frantic to fix what Michael couldn't. "Hey... don't get upset. It saves me from trying to find my keys all the time. If we can get her down to one toy per trip, saves us from having to pack up a lot of shit she doesn't even play with."

"So does this mean she doesn't want Barbie or Hello Kitty stuff, like other little girls?"

Brian reached out to clamp a hand on Michael's forearm. "Jenny will still want classy tea parties with her Daddy, her ceramic doll and neurotic stuffed animal collections, Mikey. Never fear. You'll still get to do all the same stupid stuff other Daddies get to embarrassingly share with their own daughters."

Michael leaned over to kiss Brian on the lips. He wanted to break away, but he kept coming back to kiss Brian's delectable lips, again and again. "Mmmm... you taste.... hmmm... good."

Brian put his hand to his numb mouth. Damn! Michael was still horny and ready to go... whenever HE was prepared. He didn't know if he could take the chance. "It's the carbonation. The *fizzies* that make you feel all tingly inside."

Michael was still leaning over Brian, resting on his knuckles. "I thought that was you, Brian." He winked, seductively, as he quirked an eyebrow up in determined pursuit of his best friend.

Brian pulled up the sheet to his chin, feigning some kind of shocked shame. "I'm not that kind of girl, Michael. `Sides... Jenny's still on the bed and wide awake..."

"Stall-ing!" Michael sing-songed as he moved to lay on his back, folding his hands on his chest. His thickening member clearly visible under the thin gray material of his shorts. He reached down to rudely *scratch* at himself, which caused Brian's eyes to stare on in amazement and drop the silly protection of linen.

"Holy Shit!" Brian sprang into action to pick Jenny up off the bed and put her back in her crib. He didn't seem to care that he was stark naked and still so very hard for the dark-haired angel laying, in all his splendid glory, on the other side of his bed. He turned off the low light. He shuffled back under the sheets, resting his head on his bent arm to gaze over at Michael. "Michael..."

Michael sighed, in contentedness, on his side of the huge mattress. "Yeah, Brian?"

"Get over here."

"No. You might upchuck all over me. I just got out of the shower."

"Now you're just being petty. I've hurled on you before. Don't get snippy and rude."

Michael lifted his torso up. "I'm being practical. There's a difference. And as for *hurling on me before*? That was on my shoes, asshole." He rolled over to his side, his back facing Brian. "Call me fuckin' rude." He muttered under his breath, crossing his arms over his chest in a mock pout. "G'night, Jenny." Michael called out to his daughter, totally leaving Brian out of the salutation.

This... wasn't going very well... at all.

Brian sighed, moving to lay on his own back. "Michael..."

Michael pretended to snore.

"Michael Charles..."

Michael snored even louder, rolling about, burying his face in the pillow under him. He was only playing. He already knew Brian was finally better and, possibly, raring to go. He hid the smile in the pillow case. He wanted Brian to come for him.

"Mikey..." Brian hated the space between them on the large bed. It was too cold not be sharing body warmth.

Michael felt the shock of his life when he sensed the added pressure of Brian coming to rest on his back. He felt the lips kiss his bare neck. "I thought you were sick?"

"I'm all better now." Brian thrust toward Michael's rear, showing him how *well* he actually was.

"Uh... I can tell." Michael reached back to cup Brian's backside, adding more pressure to the thrusts. "Do you still want me?"

"I always have... I always will..."

"Good answer." Michael found the hem of the thin sheet to climb under so Brian's skin would be right next to his. He felt warm tufts of air on his face and ear lobe. The moist trails of Brian's tongue on his back and arms, licking the surface to wet his appetite.

Brian even went further, following the line of Michael's spine to his tiny waist. He grabbed the elastic band and tugged down. He pressed his lips against the precious globes of Michael's ass, twirling his tongue and biting his teeth over the pliant flesh. The curve of Michael's backside slid perfectly into the backs of his thighs. Brian found himself lost in those secret places, as well.

The gym shorts were... lost in the sheets.

Michael pushed himself against the bed in order to allow Brian his right to seek pleasure any way he saw fit. He lay face down, giving Brian free reign. He sucked in his breath as Brian found one of his more hidden erogenous zones. Just above his knee on the lower back of his thigh. He shivered from the sensations chilling his insides.

Brian was slowly coming back up Michael's throbbing body. He buried his face in the dark raven hair. "I told you we can do this. We don't have to do it the conventional way. Unless you truly do want to wait until we're really alone."

Michael reached back to cup Brian's head to his own. His fingers tangling in Brian's hair. "I can't wait any longer." He managed to eek out breathlessly, feeling as if all his senses were heightened and the tiny hairs on his body were standing on end.

"Neither can I." Brian sucked on Michael's ear lobe, blowing at the wetness with his hot breath. He got a cheap thrill by Michael's shivering in his grasp. "Stay right here."

"I ain't gonna move for nuthin' and nobody." Michael chuckled out as he shut his eyes to what else Brian would have in his bag of tricks for the evening. He heard the tell tale click of a tube of lubrication, then the crinkle and snap of a condom packet.

Shit!! They were REALLY gonna do this.

Michael wondered what he was supposed to do, but it seemed like even on the spur of the moment, Brian had everything planned out in his head. A quick thinker. Let's hope nothing else of his doing was quick.

Brian slipped back under the covers, toward Michael. His chest moved to rest along Michael's back. "Open for me." He begged in Michael's ear.

Michael did as asked, lifting his leg high up on the mattress. Brian's fingers slipped down the inner crevice of his backside, coming into contact with his clenching anus. He groaned into his pillow at the sudden penetration. He pushed against Brian's hand, wanting it to sink in deeper.

"You're tight." Brian kissed, nipped, at the pale shoulder blade. "Loosen up, Michael."

"I can't. I always tense up when I'm nervous." Michael didn't want this snag to ruin their moment. "Don't tell me what you're doing. Don't ask me any questions. Just... tell me what you need from me, I'll do it. But... surprise me."

"That makes no fuckin' sense, Michael. How the hell am I supposed to...?" Brian's frustrations were squelched when Michael twisted his body around to kiss Brian thoroughly into silence. Okay... he got the message. Loud and clear. Slow and easy, Michael would do whatever he wanted him to... but appease his horniness as soon as he could or he'd die. Brian didn't want that on his conscious. His hand sculpting down Michael's heaving chest, he almost grabbed Michael's erect cock, but turned to sweep up the soft, muscular thigh. "Lift up and... put your leg back."

Michael thought how confusing that sounded so he paused, making it seem like he had to collect himself before making his next move. That forced Brian to use his hands to show Michael what he should do. He finally figured out what Brian wanted from him... and it was a fuckin' hot position to lay in for deeper penetration. He didn't know how he'd react if Brian had touched him.

They were spooned, Brian's front to Michael's back. Michael's leg lifted up and back on Brian's hip.

God! Michael was about ready to cum just from the mere idea of Brian inside of him.

Brian lay his head along Michael's, arching the long, pale column of neck back to open Michael's body up to his ministrations. "Breathe with me..."

Seemed easy enough, Michael thought. As he inhaled and exhaled along with Brian... it took his mind off the initial push of Brian entering his body. He let go on a exhale he never took in air for, ended up nearly choking on his own breath.

Man... who knew something so dirty could feel so good.

Michael wanted more, felt like begging. He should have known better. He never even had to ask.

Brian slid out, then back in, treasuring each infiltration as if he was conquering his own fears... laying down his own heart.... opening his own soul to Michael's taking. He reached down, at the same time as Michael, to hold his cock in their hands. The skin was warm, getting hotter by the minute, the skin silky and smooth. He could, literally, feel Michael's pulse throbbing down the underside length. He continued to thrust, back out and in again, enjoying the little groans Michael was croaking out. They sounded muffled as he tried to keep them under his breath.

"This... is fuckin' hot..." Michael shot out.

"Don't ever say I'd ever bore you."

"No... I wouldn't... say that..." Michael twisted his body so he half lay on the bed, still spooned with Brian. This allowed for an even deeper, different penetration. He needed the safety of the pillow in case he truly let out an uncontrollable scream of pleasure.

Brian halted his thrust, readjusted his body to hover over Michael for a second of time. This time it wasn't about putting his dick in Michael, plunging toward his prostate and making him cum like a racehorse. There was something even more powerful driving them to be as one. And sex was just a small part of it.

Their relationship was built on a connection. Not the cool formalities of knowing one another, but the resonating belief that there was a part of themselves laying within one another. A missing piece of some forgotten puzzle to what made them who they were. Not some hokey, hetero... *you complete me* vibe, but a true... *I am there for you... always... by your side... through thick and thin... sickness and in health... tragedy and comedy... I am with you... even when I am not*.

Brian had to swallow his emotions down, for fear he'd display something Michael wasn't ready for.

Michael turned his head to lay his right cheek on the pillows. "You okay, Brian?" He was getting worried. Things were awful quiet out there. Maybe he shouldn't have left everything in Brian's hands if he was so flustered about this situation. "I can..." He was about to flip over, when Brian pushed him back down, gently.

"Sshhh... be quiet." Brian settled his body to rest over Michael's. Each body part matching the smaller man's under him. He made Michael outstretch his arms and hands, kicking out his legs to lay perfectly flat. "I wanna try something."

"Will I like it?" Michael teased.

"Do you love me?" Brian whispered down to one ear.

"Yes." Michael wondered what game Brian was playing.

Down to the other ear, Brian asked. "Do you trust me?"

Wow! Love before trust? What did that mean? It was easy to love someone... but the trust and respect you gave that person you claimed to love... was what would really show your mettle.

Michael knew how to answer. "I trust you with me and my family's lives. There's no one else I respect more than you."

Was that it? Was that what Brian wanted to hear?

Brian tenderly lay on Michael, somehow not even placing pressure on him, making him feel like the body on his own was weightless. He turned his head, like Michael's, settling his cheek on the raven hair.

They both looked off to the side, watching their limbs and hands meld. Their fingers entwining, grappling for their brand of closeness.

"We look good together." Brian stated, sniffling a bit, overcome by the way they appeared.

"Beautiful, if I say so myself."

"Awe-inspiring." Brian then slowly smoothed his fingers up Michael's skin, sloping about the dark hairs on his forearm, then up the pale skin of his muscled biceps. "You... laying here... naked... under me... you take my breath away... and you make me feel queasy inside..." The fingers made their way under Michael's arms, across his shoulder blades to the other side.

Michael shut his eyes to what he was hearing and feeling. The way Brian was touching every bit of his senses, without *touching* him. "So... it wasn't the new medicine at all?" He flipped his face over to lay his left cheek on the pillow, following Brian's slow passage over his body.

"I think... it played a little bitty part in it, but not as a whole." Brian fingers repeated the same movements, ending up grasping Michael's right hand in his own. "You're my rock. I don't know what I'd do without you. I don't want to lose you. I would never leave you... you would have to leave me first."

"That will never happen."

"Never say never."

"Brian... take my word as bond. It's NEVER gonna happen. Got it?'

"Yes, sir." Brian chuckled deeply as he raised his torso off Michael's, his lips and fingers prepared to continue his trek across Michael's skin. Straddling Michael's hips, but not setting his body down on Michael's, he held himself up as he bent to lick a trail along the curved spine, hitting the tail bone. His thumbs and fingers playing along the dips of every muscle at his mercy. He came across to kiss the moon shaped scar, whispering some words over the marred area.

The more attention Michael received the wider he opened his legs, wanting Brian to plunge inside of him, making him utterly his. His pelvis curling off the bed to lift up his backside to make it easier for Brian to enter him again.

Surprisingly... that wasn't what Brian was looking for.

"Flip over." Brian commanded softly, hoping Michael wouldn't mind the extension of this moment.

Michael knew they were coming close to completion, but as he lay back on the pillows, ready to lift his legs to grant access to Brian... he silently refused.

"Put your legs down, Michael." Brian sadly shook his head. Michael had no idea to the orgasmic build up that was already inside of him. How quickly things would be over if he just did as Michael assumed he would do for him, like he had done to any other man that could be found in his bed. It stung, but not as much as never being able to have Michael at all. More than once... and definitely not as a substitute or after another random fuck. "Close your eyes."

Slowly, Brian was realizing he was being secretly trapped. Caged in a lifestyle he once thought foreign to him or at the very least... not his cup of tea. But it was a pleasurable prison he was finding himself in. One he never wanted to leave.

Moving up Michael's legs and thighs, Brian bypassed the pubic area to concentrate on the pelvic bone, the abdomen, the mid-chest, the rib cage, the upper chest, the dark pink nipples and the collarbone and neck into every nook of shoulder bone. He lay the same way he had on Michael's back. This time their cocks touching, their legs tucked into each other.

Most importantly their eyes meeting, their mouths over one another's, their foreheads meshing. Cheek to cheek, nose tip to nose tip, and breath to breath. Their chest resting against each other, their nipples responding to the fevered, flushed skin of the other and their hearts picking up the erratic beat, joining as one sound in their ears.

Their bodies weren't thrusting... it was their nearness that was getting them off. The subtle anticipation of what could come next.

Without Brian even asking... without Michael even begging... they both knew what to do.

Michael lifted and curled about Brian, Brian dipped and plunged into Michael.

Brian's head lulled off Michael's forehead. He tried to bring his weakened hands up to cup Michael's head. It was a poor effort, but Michael helped him make the move. The hand that would always be there to guide Brian, never having to ask, or command. "Always..." He thrust once, he inched out to only sink back in again. "... Mine!!" The pleasure he felt embedded inside of Michael was moot compared to the warmth and closeness he'd become overwhelmed with. His heart could barely take the pressure.

"Yes... Always..." Michael felt the tears clog his throat, bypassing his own moans of ecstasy. He bit his bottom lip. His own hands cupping the back of Brian's sweaty head. He wanted to kiss him badly, suck him dry of any lingering hatred and despair, pain and self-inflicted torture. "Give me... what you don't want anymore."

Brian shook his head, within Michael's hands. "I can't..."

Michael smiled a sweet smile of forgiveness. "I have everything you want to be... inside. Take from me... what you need..."

Brian was still shaking his head. "Oh, God! I can't. I won't do that to you." He finally opened his passion filled hazel eyes to look down at Michael, shocked to find the lightness shining forth that was always there to show him the way home. "I love you too much to hurt you." He latched onto Michael's wrists, kissing the pulses at the palm.

"And I have love enough to overcome anything you have to give me. You should know that by now... after all this time." When Brian stopped his own thrusting, Michael pounded himself on Brian's cock.

"I do. I do know... as I know, right here... right now... I am actually making love for the first time in my adult life." Brian couldn't help blushing, trying to hide his flushed features in Michael's shoulder.

"How does it feel?" Michael was sitting up a bit, finding a new, exciting position to be even more scandalous and mind-blowing.

"I... uh... can't stop smiling..." Brian wouldn't lift up his head from Michael's neck and collar bone.

"I promise... I won't tell anyone. Your secret is safe with me." Michael chuckled as he pressed a light kiss to Brian's temple. "Oh... God! That feels good!" He felt Brian's counter thrust.

"And my heart...?"

"Safe with me."

"My soul?"

"Safe with me."

Brian lifted his head, finally to show his face moist with quiet tears of release. "My life...?"

"Safer with me than anywhere else."

Brian tangled his fingers in Michael's hair, roughly dragging him into a kiss. "I knew that... from the first moment I saw you." He groaned into Michael's mouth as he felt the anal walls clench about him. "I want you."

"I'm here."

"I need you."

"I'm here."

"I love you."

"I've always been here."

They lost themselves in one another as their orgasms culminated on one last thrust together. They were caught between laughter and tears, shitty nerves and constant fears... but one thing that remained was that whatever happened between them would remain as such... protected and safe from harm.

Tucking the blankets over their heads, Brian and Michael curled about and cuddled with one another until the morning light shone across their joined bodies.

***************************************

Hunter was the first to awake. Needing a shower, he gathered up his clothes for school and made his way into the kitchen to start the coffee pot.

Brian was a certifiable bear if he didn't get his morning cup of java.

Hunter yawned into his hand, moving to the fridge to dig out the creamer. He placed it next to the matching sugar canister, near Brian's mug. Once the smell of coffee beans entered the bedroom, he knew Brian would be up like a lightning bolt.

As Hunter made his way into the bedroom, trying NOT to look toward the king-sized bed, he found himself unable to look away from what was shown before him. He threw his bag inside the bathroom. He could hear faint rumblings of Jenny waking up. He paced over to her crib, staring down at her in bewildered shock. He had to make sure Jenny was alright before he moved away again.

Hunter had to take a closer look to what he thought he'd seen. Standing at the bedside, he turned his head to make sure he noticed the peculiarities of the two men laying asleep on the bed.

Brian being vulnerable and submissive in Michael's arms. Michael being the confident, nurturing lover in Brian's arms.

Brian's body lay lower than Michael's, his face buried in Michael's neck, periodically nuzzling the safe embrace of his new lover and best friend, his arms tucked between their chests. Michael laying peacefully, slightly above Brian, his arms and limbs practically encompassing Brian into his naked body.

Hunter had NO doubts they both were naked underneath the blankets. It was the blissful look on each of their faces that was tickling his heart. "Don't worry, dude. Your secret is safe with me, too." He had heard a little bit of what had gone on last night. Knowing he'd possibly see some interesting stuff when he woke up, but he hadn't expected his soul to be rocked to the core.

Well... what do you know. Brian Kinney was human after all.

That kind of information would be kept safe from anyone who tried to harm Brian. After all... he was family, wasn't he?

**************************************************************

Sitting in the plastic bucket seats at Liberty Air's terminal, Ben Bruckner turned his wristwatch over to gage the time again with the boarding flights on the roster screen above him. His flight continued to be delayed from his scheduled departure. He fidgeted again, crossing his knee over his left thigh, swinging his foot to-n-fro.

Ben never noticed the man standing before him until his shoe almost socked the poor man in the nuts. "Oh, Jesus! I'm sorry. My mind..." He let his leg fall to the floor, holding out a hand of apology. As he lifted his head, he recognized the familiar face. "Justin? Weren't you...?" 

"Leaving at the butt crack of dawn for L.A.? Yes, I was... but it seems like you and I are in the same boat." Justin sat down next to Ben, pointing up to his own flight number being delayed. "Do you think it bodes well for us to jump on flights that can't even make it here? To Pittsburgh?"

"I don't know. I guess." Ben shrugged, wanting to be caught up again in his own mind. But getting tired of his own foolish thoughts.

"You can tell me to fuck off. I know we're not really friends but..."

Ben laughed, patting Justin's arm in a friendly manner. "No. It's not you. It's me."

"Second thoughts? About Michael?"

Ben sniffed. "No... of that I'm sure what I'm doing is right. I don't think I'm being rational about... Tibet anymore."

Justin furrowed his brow. "Explain please. Isn't it supposed to be all spiritual enlightenment? What more could you want than a place to veg and meditate...?"

"The meds aren't working. My quality of life is almost down to nil."

Justin stared in shock. Someone who looked as healthy as Ben... possibly dying didn't sit well in his head. "So you were off to die... in Tibet?"

"Sort of... but I don't know. It seems kind of... ludicrous. I can't stand fuckin' hospitals, but yet I don't want the solitude of being so far away from any medical facility from the monastery. How more enlightened can one get than that?"

Justin thought of something, hopefully Ben would take his offer. "Hang on for a second..." He took out his cell phone. He only had to press one button. "Hey... it's me!" He rolled his baby blues at the reprimand he must be getting for calling so early in the morning. "What was the name of that retreat thing you went to last fall?" He nodded his head. "And where was it?" He shook his head. "No... not me. For a... uh,... a really good friend." The Sunshine smile was in full force. "Hell yeah!!... you know it. Can't wait to see you, too. Bye!" He took out a pen from his day planner, scribbling a note for Ben. "This... is the number and the name of a monk retreat in Southern Callie. It's about fifteen miles from the nearest walk-in clinic. I'm sure it'll be ten times as reassuring than having to climb every rock, hill and valley you don't know to get some medical attention."

"Justin... that's awful sweet of you, but I've already got a flight arranged. I can't just..."

"Here..." Justin handed over the ticket he had purchased for Brian. "Take this. I don't need it anymore." He saw Ben open his mouth to refuse, but he placed a hand on the thick wrist. "Before you start complaining, I didn't buy it. The movie studio did. I had promised them they'd get to see RAGE in the flesh, but... Brian had other plans in the works."

Ben took the ticket, his eyebrow lifting in curiosity. "Michael?"

"No. Surprisingly. I think I lost that battle years ago. Nope... this time it was a woman. The most cunning of all of their kind."

Ben hooked his arm up along the chair back. "Jenny?"

Justin smirked, rolling his eyes. "I'll have a few choice words for her when I see Michael and Brian at the RAGE premiere."

"So... you're leaving? For good?"

"Nothing for me to come back to... except Molly and Mom. And truly... I can have them flown out to L.A., without having to step foot back in the Pitts."

"How clever of you."

"I thought so too."

An overhead clang sounded, showing the fact that the flight roster was about ready to change.

Justin and Ben stared up in awe.

***********************************************************  
 **Flight 2045 - British Airways to TIBET.... CANCELLED....**

 **Flight 406 - American Airlines to LAX... ARRIVED...**   
*********************************************************** 

Justin stood, holding his hand down for Ben to grab. "Need I say more, Professor Bruckner?"

Ben shrugged, taking Justin's hand and gathering up all his carry-on bags. "Who am I to mess with fate, Mr. Taylor."

They walked away toward the boarding gate, chatting like they had been best friends for years.

**~~*~~*~~*~~THE END**


End file.
